A handful each time. I can almost hear them. "Too much, Chris." Then back to someone's 5 a.m. routine with the cold plunge and the gratitude journal. Some days I'd unfollow me too.
I write about a lot of things. Maddie. Parents trying to read a teenager who's gone quiet. The stuff we carry into work and pretend we left at home.
This post is about my own stuff. The depression. The episodes that make the road hard, and the ones capable of knocking you right out of the boat.
Here's a fact I didn't choose. In Canada, men aged 45 to 59 have the highest suicide rate of any age group. I turned 61 this year, so technically I've aged out of the bracket. It doesn't feel like a graduation.
Divorce. A daughter who died. A mother who died. A business I closed after eighteen years. Money trouble I'd rather not itemize. If there's a checklist for this, I've filled in most of it.
On paper, I'm the man those numbers describe. I've read the paper. I didn't love it.
So let me save you the worry. I'm okay. I struggle at times, and some stretches run longer than I'd like. I'm not suicidal.
There have been times I couldn't see a way forward, though. A few of them. Each time, someone reached out.
In April 2022, it was a friend who noticed my replies in our group chat had gone dark. Or quiet. Sometimes both. He asked what was going on.
We sat in his backyard on an unusually warm, sunny April afternoon. The whole time I was telling myself, don't be a burden. He's got his own stuff.
He listened. I cried harder than I had in years. He just kept listening.
Then he asked what he could do. I had no answer, so he came up with one. "I have an office. You're going to start coming in." I'd been working alone at home for a long time.
He didn't try to fix me. No advice. He gave me hope, and a desk.
When I left, I walked over to Maddie's grave and sat down. "I won't be joining you anytime soon, Mads," I told her.
The sun suddenly felt a little brighter and a little warmer.
That's why I write the ugly parts.
Every time I do, at least one man around my age messages me. Usually something like "Thanks. Thought it was just me." Sometimes a second message arrives a few days later, and that one says a lot more.
I'll trade a few unfollows for that message every time. The math isn't close.
You probably know a guy this is for. He's quieter than he used to be. He stopped showing up for golf. He says "fine" in a way that's doing a lot of heavy lifting.
Send this to him. You don't need a speech. My friend didn't have one. He asked, and then he listened.
And if you're him, this last part is yours.
You've read this far, which is interesting, because you've spent the whole time telling yourself it's about somebody else. You're busy. You've got it handled. You've said "fine" so often it comes out before the question's finished.
I know that guy well. I was that guy.
You don't need the right words. "I'm not doing great" is a full sentence.
Say it to one person. The friend who'd pick up at eleven at night. Your brother. Your doctor. A trained stranger at 9-8-8.
I'm still here, writing posts that cost me followers. If I got through what I've been through, maybe there's a way forward for you too.
I think there is. I'd like you to stick around long enough to find it.
If you're struggling right now: in Canada, call or text 9-8-8, any time. In the US, call or text 988. Anywhere else, findahelpline.com lists services by country. If you're in immediate danger, call 911 or your local emergency number.
FAQ
How can I tell if a friend is struggling with depression?
Compare him to his own normal, not to everyone else. Is he quieter in the group chat? Has he stopped showing up for golf? Does “fine” come out before you’ve finished the question? You don’t have to diagnose anything. You just have to notice the change, and ask about it.
What do I say to a friend who keeps saying he’s fine?
Tell him what you’ve noticed. “You’ve been quiet lately. What’s going on?” Then stop talking and let him answer. My friend didn’t have a speech ready, and I’m glad he didn’t.
What if he brushes me off?
He probably will the first time. I would have. Ask again in a week. And offer him something specific. “Let me know if you need anything” is easy to ignore. My friend offered me a desk in his office, and I couldn’t think of a reason to say no.
What is the Friend Signal Check?
It’s ten questions about a friend you’re worried about, and it takes about three minutes. It asks your friend’s age first, because a 47-year-old shows strain differently than a 17-year-old. You get a colour, a next step and a few ways to start the conversation. It’s free and anonymous, with no email. It can’t diagnose anything. It helps you see what you’ve already been noticing.
What if the person struggling is me?
“I’m not doing great” is a full sentence. Say it to one person: a friend, your brother or your doctor. In Canada, you can call or text 9-8-8 any time. In the US, it’s 988. Anywhere else, findahelpline.com lists services by country.
You May Also Like
If You Were Struggling, Wouldn’t You Want Someone to Notice?
What to actually say when you ask someone if they’re okay.My Sons Asked Me a Question I Couldn’t Ignore
How Zac and Sawyer pushed me to build the Friend Signal Check.Yesterday, I Swam With A Shark. Today, Depression.
How a great day and a bad one can sit right next to each other.‘Fine’ Is the Answer We Taught Our Kids to Give Us
The same “fine,” one generation down.
