7 Things I Got Wrong About Mental Health as a Business Owner
From 1992 to 2010, my business partner and I ran an office furniture company. We grew it from $2 million to almost $35 million. We had about 70 employees. That's a lot of families we were responsible for every week.
She was the kind one. Like a big sister, she'd give me a little rope, then gently rein me in. I was in my twenties when we started, wound a little too tight, and I didn't forgive much. I couldn't have told you that about myself back then.
In 2010, we closed it down.
That turned my whole life upside down. I lost my biggest asset. It contributed to my marriage ending. It made my own mental health worse, and it hit me financially for years.
Five years later, my daughter Maddie died by suicide.
I almost lost myself too.
It took a family of my own, and all of that loss, for me to understand what my partner already knew. What happens at home comes to work with you. When your child struggles, you struggle too.
Here are seven things I got wrong.
1. I thought mental health was an excuse
In my twenties and early thirties, I wasn't married and didn't have kids. Aging parents, a divorce, losing someone you love. It was all foreign to me, so I avoided those conversations.
Mental health was the most foreign of all. I believed it was about people being lazy, or wanting an extra-long weekend.
If anyone had asked me for a mental health day, my answer would have been simple. Suck it up.
My employees likely wore a mask to protect themselves from my judgement.
My partner saw it. She tried to tell me, more than once. I wasn't ready to hear it.
My approach softened after I got married and had kids. It still wasn't remotely close to where I am today.
She was gentle with me. Looking back, I could have used a shake.
2. I thought parents were gaming the system
When someone left early, I did a double take.
If a parent stayed home with a sick kid, I assumed they were trying to bilk the system. Why couldn't their spouse stay home instead?
If they were away more than three days, I asked for a note.
I used to pride myself on not missing a day of work in over ten years. That was the mentality.
Did I judge? I'm ashamed to say I did. Especially before I had kids of my own.
Embarrassed by it now? You think?
3. We didn't let people work from home
Our belief was simple. If a supervisor couldn't see them, they'd be shirking their duties.
It sounds absurd now.
If we couldn't see you, we assumed you weren't working.
So a parent with a sick kid, or a kid who couldn't get out of bed that morning, had two choices: leave their kid at home, or call in and be judged for it.
4. I said, "Let us know how we can help"
It sounds generous. It actually hands the work back to the person with the least left to give.
They have to work out what they need and then ask for it. Most never will.
What I wish I'd said was closer to this:
"We've moved your deadlines. Someone's covering your calls. Go home and don't worry about the office. Just worry about your family."
Those weren't the words coming out of my mouth.
I wish they had been.
5. I didn't know what our EAP was
We had one. At least, I believe we did.
I never used it. I couldn't have told you what it was for, so I never told anyone else how to use it either.
Now I stand in front of rooms of employees and walk them through it. Most think it's a few sessions of counselling. Almost nobody knows it can do the legwork of finding the right help for their family.
The help was there. I just didn't understand it.
6. I thought I could push through it
In 2008, the financial crisis hit us hard. The bank called in our line of credit. For the first time, I had to put my own money into the business.
I was miserable. I'd never felt that vulnerable, as an owner, a husband or a father.
I wasn't sleeping. My marriage was on shaky ground. I felt like less of a man than at any other point in my life.
I'd spent sixteen years building something to take care of my family. Now I couldn't see how I was going to do it.
In my worst moments, I believed they'd be better off without me.
That was the first time I thought about not being here. I never made a plan. But the thoughts were there.
I started seeing a psychiatrist for depression and anxiety. And I kept going to work every day, telling myself that if I focused harder, I could push through.
Nobody at work knew.
I was wrong that they'd be better off. I was wrong that I could push through.
I see the same belief in parents I work with now. They think they can focus more and push through.
But it costs you sleep. It costs you time and energy. The worry comes with you to work.
I don't care who you are. Your work and your health will suffer.
7. I kept it to myself
I took the stoic approach. I didn't know how to tell anyone what was going on without feeling judged, or ashamed, or alone.
On this, managers and employees are exactly the same. If you're afraid to share, your people will be too.
I wish I'd told my story back then. Others might have felt more supported and less alone.
I'm telling it now.
If you're where I was in 2008, you can call or text 9-8-8 any time in Canada, or the US.
If you want to talk about what this looks like on your team, start here.
FAQ
What should I say when an employee shares a personal struggle?
Skip "let us know how we can help." It hands the work back to the person with the least left to give. Say what you're taking off their plate: a moved deadline, a covered shift, time to go home. Then check in again a few days later.
Why don't employees tell their manager when they're struggling?
Most are afraid of being judged, or worry it will count against them. They also take their cue from the top. If the owner or manager never admits to a hard stretch, nobody else will either. That silence has a cost, even when it never shows up in a report.
How can a business support employees through a personal crisis?
Make the practical things easy: time off without a fight, working from home when a kid is sick, and a manager who knows what to say. Know what your EAP offers, and make sure your people do too.
Why don't employees use their EAP?
Typical EAP use sits around 3 to 7%. Many employees think it's a few sessions of general counselling, and some have had a bad experience with it. Few know it can also do the legwork of finding the right help for their family.
What if I'm the owner and I'm the one who's struggling?
Tell someone. A doctor, a therapist, someone you trust. Pushing through alone is the mistake at the centre of this post. If you're having thoughts of not being here, call or text 9-8-8 in Canada or 988 in the US, any time.
You May Also Like
All three URLs came from the live blog index on September 23.
HR Can Build the Programme. HR Can't Make It Safe. The business case behind item 7: people only use support when the person at the top has made it safe to.
Every Company Value Has an "Unless" What happens when a policy looks fine on paper but nobody can actually use it. Item 3, at company scale.
What Happened Last Night Is Sitting in Your 9 A.M. Meeting The employee side of item 6: what a hard night at home looks like at work the next morning.
