I said I wasn't going to do this.
When we released the Friend Signal Check, I made myself one rule. Leave it alone. Let it get some momentum. Let real people use it before I start fiddling with it.
That rule lasted about as long as most of my rules.
Where it came from
The Friend Signal Check started on a call with my sons, Zac and Sawyer. I'd asked them to help with the I'm Paying Attention campaign. Zac pointed out something I'd missed. The Teen Signal Check is built for an adult looking at a kid. Nobody had built anything for a friend looking at a friend.
Which is odd, when you think about it. Teens and young adults usually know first. They see the group chat. They notice who stopped showing up. Parents often find out last, and I say that as a parent who has been last.
So the three of us built one.
Designing for two minutes
The Teen Signal Check is 14 questions and takes about three minutes. It's written for a parent who is already worried enough to sit down and pay attention.
A 16-year-old or a 22-year-old checking on a friend is in a different spot. They're on their phone, probably between classes or shifts, probably with three other apps pinging. I figured we'd get about two minutes of their attention. Maybe.
That meant ten questions. Every one had to earn its place. Zac tested them and told me which ones landed and which ones someone his age, or younger, would skip. I listened. Mostly.
We also wrote the way teens and young adults talk. Short questions. Plain words. Nothing that sounds like it came out of a pamphlet in a waiting room. If a question needed a definition, it got cut.
Change from normal
This is the part I'd defend in front of any room of clinicians.
A 16-year-old can't assess depression in a friend. Neither can a 23-year-old. They shouldn't try, and we shouldn't ask them to. A symptom checklist hands a layperson a clinical judgment they aren't trained to make, and it makes the whole thing feel heavier than it needs to.
What a friend does know is their friend's normal. Often better than anyone else. They know who used to be loud at lunch and has gone quiet. Who used to answer in seconds and now leaves messages on read for a day.
So the questions ask about change. "Do they make plans and then cancel, or go quiet on the day?" "Have they gone quiet in the group chat, or started leaving your messages unanswered for days?" Those are observations. Anyone from 14 to 24 is fully qualified to make them.
The hardest design problem came out of my conversation with Zac. When everyone jokes about being dead inside, the friend who means it is hard to spot. Dark humour is normal at 17, and at 23. So one question asks whether they joke about not wanting to be here, and the answers separate the usual from the new. "Rarely, and it seems like normal dark humour" scores nothing. "Often, or it's started to feel less like a joke" puts the result in red on its own.
It also lowers the stakes. Noticing a change is a reason to ask one question: you good? That's the whole point of the tool. It's an awareness tool. It doesn't diagnose anything. It points to a conversation, and when the result calls for it, to an adult or a professional who can help.
Then the adults showed up
After launch, the messages came in. "Chris, this is great. Anyone could use this." People in their forties and fifties wanted to check on their own friends.
I pushed back. What's relevant to a 17-year-old isn't always relevant to a 47-year-old. Under 25, change tends to show up at school, at practice, at a first job, or in the group chat. A 47-year-old's change shows up somewhere else. At work. At home with a partner and kids. In the friend who stops coming to the Thursday game and blames his schedule.
I also wanted to leave it alone for a while. I said that a few times. People kept writing anyway, and they kept making the same point. Everyone should be able to look in on a friend.
So I relented.
The Friend Signal Check now has a dividing line at 25. Still ten questions. The first screen asks how old your friend is, and a rough guess is fine. The idea underneath stays put. You're still being asked what's changed.
Same idea, different questions
Here's what that looks like side by side.
The first question. Under 25, it's "Do they make plans and then cancel, or go quiet on the day?" At 25 or older, it's "In the past year, have they been through something hard? A separation or divorce, losing a job, a death, money pressure, a health scare, or looking after a parent or a kid who's struggling."
For someone under 25, the first thing a friend sees is usually social. Plans fall through. For an adult, the first thing worth knowing is what life has thrown at them lately. Adults are good at looking fine.
For the clinicians: that question, and the one after it about how long you've noticed a change, add no points. They multiply the score from the behaviour questions, capped at double. A hard year on its own scores zero. A hard year plus a friend who's pulling away counts for more.
Risk or temper. Under 25: "Have they been doing risky things lately, like driving fast or after drinking, getting into fights, or blowing money they don't have?" At 25 or older: "Have they been shorter-tempered lately, snapping over small things?"
Young people under strain often take risks. Adults often don't look sad at all. They look short-tempered. A friend who snaps at the server is easy to write off as a bad week, so we ask about it directly.
Who they lean on. This one is only in the adult version: "Who do they have to lean on right now?" Under 25, most people still have others around by default, at school, on a team, at home, in residence. At 47, that circle can thin out after a divorce or a move, and nobody notices. If you answer "I'm not sure" here, the result says so plainly. You're close enough to worry and not yet close enough to know.
What stays the same. The last question is identical in both versions. It asks whether they've said anything about hurting themselves or ending their life. If the answer is yes, or a hint, the check stops and shows who to call before any colour appears.
Is 25 the perfect line? Probably not. Any line is a judgment call. I'd rather have a line I can explain and adjust than one set of questions that fits a 47-year-old about as well as it fits a 17-year-old.
For the practitioners reading this
A lot of you already share the Teen Signal Check with the parents of your clients. Thank you. I don't take that lightly.
The Friend Signal Check is newer, and it's the one I want your scrutiny on. Take both versions. Tell me which question you'd cut and what's missing. If you think it does real good, I'd like to hear that too, and I'd love to say so with your name attached.
Both checks are free and stay free. No email, no sign-up. I see totals. I never see who answered what.
Most of us already know when a friend is off. This gives you somewhere to start.
FAQ
What is the Friend Signal Check?
Ten questions you answer about a friend you're worried about. It takes about two minutes and asks what's changed compared with how they usually are. You get a colour, a plain explanation and a next step for this week. It's an awareness tool and doesn't diagnose anything.
Why are there different questions for under 25 and 25 or older?
Strain shows up in different places. Under 25, it often shows in cancelled plans, the group chat and taking risks. At 25 or older, it often shows in a shorter fuse, work, drinking and a smaller circle of people to lean on.
Will my friend see my answers?
No. Your friend doesn't take it and never sees it. You don't give your name or email, and your answers are gone when you close the page. We only see totals.
What if my friend has said something about hurting themselves?
The check pauses and shows you who to call and how to ask them directly. If someone is in immediate danger, call 911 or your local emergency number. In Canada and the US, call or text 9-8-8, including about a friend.
I'm a practitioner. Can I share it with clients?
Yes. Both checks are free and always will be. If you think a question should change, I want to hear it.
You May Also Like
My Sons Asked Me a Question I Couldn't Ignore
https://www.thementorwell.com/blog/friend-signal-check
Where the Friend Signal Check started, and how Zac and Sawyer talked me into finishing it.
If You Were Struggling, Wouldn't You Want Someone to Notice?
https://www.thementorwell.com/blog/how-to-ask-someone-if-theyre-okay
What to say once you've noticed something is off with someone you care about.
Your Teen May Know Something About a Friend That You Don't
https://www.thementorwell.com/blog/teen-worried-about-a-friend
What to do when your teen comes to you worried about a friend.
