Zac was 17 or 18 at the time. He came home from a friend's place and said, "I've got to go out again, Dad. Liam and I have to find a friend who's thinking of harming himself."
I think I said, "Wait, let me come."
He was already gone.
What I called after him was, "Text me how I can help. And don't do anything stupid."
It wasn't exactly from the parenting handbook. It's what I had. Dinner was on the stove, and his younger brother Sawyer was home with me.
That night ended okay. They found their friend and got him through it.
I was proud of him. I was also scared.
This is the kid who spoke to thousands of high school students across the greater Toronto area about empathy, to honour his big sister Maddie. Of course he went.
Here's what I've learned since. Your teenager will probably hear about a friend in trouble before any adult does. Sometimes they'll bring it to you slowly. Sometimes you'll get thirty seconds at the front door.
When you get time
You're driving. They're staring out the window. Then:
"Can I tell you something, but you can't tell anyone?"
Every parent wants to say yes. Say this instead.
"I can't promise that. I can promise I'll be careful with it."
They might go quiet. Usually they tell you anyway. They brought it up for a reason.
Then listen. What have they seen? How long has it been going on?
When you don't
Sometimes there's no car ride. Your kid is already heading out.
Ask the friend's name and where they are. Ask who else knows. Tell your kid you're in. If you can go with them, go.
What happens next
If anything suggests their friend isn't safe right now, an adult who can act needs to know. Tonight. The friend's parent, the school or a crisis line. Your kid may be furious. That's okay. Be the adult they can be furious at.
If it's less urgent, help your kid work out what they can actually do. Usually that's staying close to their friend and staying close to you.
Then check on your kid. They've been carrying something heavy, and they probably won't bring it up first.
Where the Friend Signal Check came from
I may not have handled that night the way I would today.
I've thought a lot about the weeks before it. Often a friend notices something is off long before anyone says it out loud. They just don't have the words, or they aren't sure it counts.
Years later, Zac came up with the idea for the Friend Signal Check, a way for friends to check in on friends. It's an awareness tool. It helps a kid put words to what they're already noticing, and gives them a reason to talk to someone sooner, while it's still an ordinary conversation.
It came from the same kid who ran out the door that night.
If you or someone you know is in crisis: in Canada and the US, call or text 9-8-8. Elsewhere, call your local emergency number or crisis line.
FAQ
What should I do if my teen says a friend is thinking about suicide?
Stay calm. Ask what they've seen and how long it's been going on. If anything suggests the friend isn't safe right now, tell an adult who can act tonight: the friend's parent, the school or a crisis line. In Canada and the US, you can call or text 9-8-8.
Should I promise to keep my teen's secret about a friend?
No. Try "I can't promise that. I can promise I'll be careful with it." A promise you might have to break teaches your teen that telling you costs something.
What if my teen is angry that I told the friend's parents?
They might be. That's okay. Tell them why you did it, and keep checking in. That usually passes.
How can I help a struggling teenager who isn't my own?
Usually through your own kid. Help them stay close to their friend and close to you. Your job is to back them up, and to step in when it's more than a teenager should carry alone.
What is the Friend Signal Check?
It's a free awareness tool from The MentorWell. It helps young people notice when a friend may be struggling and put words to it, so a conversation can start sooner. Diagnosis stays with professionals.
You May Also Like
My Sons Asked Me a Question I Couldn't Ignore The story behind the Friend Signal Check, and the call with Zac and Sawyer that started it.
The Kid Who Knows Your Teen Better Than You Think The other side of this post: what to do when one of your teen's friends comes to you worried about your child.
I Pulled Over. My Son Finally Told Me A car ride with Sawyer, and practical steps for getting a reluctant teen to talk.
If you or someone you know is in crisis: in Canada and the US, call or text 9-8-8. Elsewhere, call your local emergency number or crisis line.
