This Question, Asked at the Right Time, Could Save a Life
“Are you thinking of harming yourself?”
It’s not an easy question to ask. Most of us avoid it because we’re terrified of what the answer might be. We worry we’ll say the wrong thing. We worry it will make things worse.
It won’t. Asking directly doesn’t push someone closer to the edge. It pulls them back. It tells them they’re not alone in carrying something too heavy.
I’ve asked the question in earnest to a number of people. I’ve been asked by friends. And in both cases, I was glad. Not that there was imminent danger, but it gave me peace of mind.
As Suicide Prevention Month begins, I can’t help but think about how different things might have been if this question had been asked more often, or asked at the right time. I lost my daughter Maddie to suicide when she was 14. She was bright, funny, loving, and loved. She also carried pain so deep that she couldn’t see her way through it.
I replay those years in my mind. Divorce. Moves. Pressure from school. Silent battles she fought that I didn’t always see. I wonder what might have shifted if someone, anyone, had looked her in the eye and asked her directly if she was thinking of harming herself. Maybe it would have opened the door to honesty. Maybe it would have given her the permission to speak out loud what she was holding inside.
We don’t get that moment back with Maddie. But maybe you get it with someone you love.
Why we avoid the question
One of the biggest reasons schools refuse to talk about suicide, or even self-harm, is fear. What if we ask, and then a student takes their life? That thought terrifies administrators, teachers, and parents alike. Is the reason we don’t talk about suicide in schools because of lawsuits?
But silence doesn’t protect kids. It isolates them.
The odds are significantly better when the question is asked. Research shows that talking openly about suicide doesn’t increase risk, it reduces it. It gives kids permission to share something they’ve already been thinking, and hiding, often in silence.
Not asking leaves them alone with unbearable thoughts. Asking opens a door. It says: I’m strong enough to hear your truth, and you don’t have to carry it by yourself.
What asking looks like in practice
Here’s what I’ve learned:
You don’t need perfect words. You just need courage.
Ask directly: “Are you thinking of harming yourself?”
If the answer is yes, stay calm. Don’t judge. Just listen.
Don’t rush to fix it. Just be present. Help connect them to support, but let them know you won’t leave them alone in it.
This is what prevention looks like. It’s not just programs, policies, or awareness campaigns. It’s people; friends, parents, teachers, co-workers, choosing to show up. Choosing to risk being uncomfortable so someone else might live.
A call to courage
Suicide Prevention Month isn’t just about remembering those we’ve lost. It’s about taking action so fewer families experience this kind of loss.
So if someone comes to mind while you’re reading this, please reach out. Ask the hard question. Don’t wait for the “right moment.” That moment might be now.
For Maddie, and for every other son or daughter, brother or sister, friend or colleague who deserves the chance to stay.
Because this one question, asked at the right time, really can save a life.
One more way forward
If your child is withdrawn, isolating, or just feels stuck, there’s another step you can take before things reach a crisis. That’s why I created The MentorWell.
A MentorWell mentor isn’t a therapist. They’re a trusted, emotionally intelligent adult who provides a safe, non-judgmental space for teens and young adults to talk openly about what’s really going on.
Sometimes talking to the right person, at the right time, can change everything. It can make a young person feel seen. It can remind them they’re not alone. And it can ease the pressure before it becomes unbearable.
That’s what Maddie needed. That’s why this matters.
