The Mental Health Checklist I Wish I Had When Maddie Was 14
Twelve years ago, I would have read an article like this and thought:
"Thank goodness we don't need this."
Mental health struggles rarely arrive with flashing lights.
They often start quietly.
A teenager spends more time alone.
They stop talking as much.
Their room gets messier.
They spend more time on their phone.
Something feels different, but you can't quite put your finger on it.
Most parents don't need another article filled with statistics.
They need a place to start.
This checklist is that starting point.
There are a lot of directions I could take this. The one that will likely land isn't what I did wrong with Maddie. It's what changed with Zac and Sawyer.
I'll come back to that.
1. Trust Your Gut
One of the things I hear most from parents is:
"I thought it was just a phase."
I understand that feeling.
Most of us don't want to overreact.
We don't want to turn normal teenage behaviour into something bigger.
But I have learned that when something feels off, waiting rarely makes things easier.
You know your child better than anyone.
If you notice a shift that lasts for weeks, pay attention.
You don't need certainty to start a conversation.
You just need curiosity.
2. Start the Conversation Early
Parents put enormous pressure on themselves.
They think they need the perfect words.
You don't.
You simply need to let your child know:
"I'm here."
"I'm listening."
"You don't have to carry this alone."
Some of the best conversations I've had with young people happened while driving, walking, or shooting pucks in the driveway.
Side by side often feels safer than face to face.
The first conversation doesn't need to solve anything.
It simply needs to open the door.
3. Help Your Teen Name Their Feelings
At a not-for-profit I ran called How Are You Feeling?, we spent years teaching kids to identify emotions.
What surprised me most was how many adults struggled with this too.
If we want our kids to talk about feelings, we have to give them the language first.
Instead of asking:
"How was your day?"
Try asking:
"What felt heavy today?"
"What made you smile today?"
"What frustrated you?"
Small questions often lead to big conversations.
4. Create Emotional Permission at Home
This may be one of the most important things parents can do.
Our kids don't need perfect parents.
They need honest ones.
When we tell our children:
"I had a hard day."
"I felt anxious."
"I was disappointed."
We give them permission to do the same.
Children learn emotional safety from the adults around them.
If honesty is welcome in your home, it becomes easier.
Here is what that looked like in ours.
When Sawyer had a sleepover planned, I didn't drink anything that night.
I'd stay up with a guitar until midnight. Because the call usually came before then, and I wanted to be ready for it.
Some other parent on the line. Sawyer wants to come home.
I'd get in the car.
If midnight passed and the phone hadn't rung, I'd turn the volume all the way up and leave it beside me. Then wait a bit longer anyway.
That went on for two or three years.
Here's the part I want to say properly. He kept accepting the invitations. He knew how those nights usually ended and he went anyway.
Eventually he made it through one.
Zac went a different way with it.
He stood in front of thousands of high school students and talked about his sister. Compassion and empathy, he'd tell them, when you've got a friend who's struggling. Always have each other's back.
That was his message. It's still mine.
Two boys. Same house. Same thing happened to both of them.
One of them couldn't be away from home at night. The other one got up in front of a gym full of strangers and said Maddie's name out loud.
Neither of those was a decision. Nobody sat down and chose a response.
I've thought about that a lot in the years since, mostly when I hear a parent compare one of their kids to another. She's handling it. He isn't. As if handling it were a quality some children have.
Sawyer coming home at midnight and Zac speaking to a gymnasium were the same thing arriving differently.
What I'd tell you, if we were sitting across from each other, is that I stopped trying to work out which of my sons was doing better.
I stayed up with the guitar.
I turned the volume up.
And when Zac wanted to stand in front of a room and say her name, I let him do that too.
5. Know When to Seek Professional Help
As parents, every instinct tells us to fix things.
I've felt that instinct myself.
But your teen doesn't need you to become their therapist.
They need you to be their parent.
To love them.
To listen.
To keep showing up.
Sometimes what helps is clinical. Sometimes it's another trusted adult who isn't you, because there are things a fifteen-year-old will say to a coach or an uncle that they'll never say to a parent. That isn't a failure of your relationship. It's how it works at that age.
Asking for help isn't failure.
It's wisdom.
6. Don't Forget About Yourself
Parents often put themselves at the bottom of the list.
I know I did.
For years after losing Maddie, I thought taking care of myself was selfish.
I stayed busy.
I kept moving.
I poured everything I had left into helping others.
Eventually I learned something difficult.
You cannot support others from an empty place.
Parents need support too.
You matter too.
Final Thoughts
If I've learned anything over the last eleven years, it's this:
Parents are going to make mistakes.
We're going to miss things.
We're going to say the wrong thing.
That doesn't mean we've failed.
Our kids don't need perfection.
They need connection.
They need to know:
"It's safe to struggle here."
"I can tell the truth here."
"I don't have to carry this alone."
Connection isn't a box to check.
It's something we build one conversation at a time.
And sometimes, the most important thing a parent can say is:
"You never have to protect me from your feelings."
FAQ
How can I tell if my teen is depressed or just being a teenager?
No single behaviour separates them. What matters is duration and spread: several things shifting at once and staying shifted for weeks rather than days. Ordinary teenage difficulty tends to attach to something identifiable and move within a fortnight.
Is my teenager withdrawing to their room a warning sign?
On its own, no. Increased privacy is a normal part of adolescence. It becomes worth attention when it arrives alongside other changes, or when the withdrawal extends to things they used to want, like seeing friends or doing something they previously loved.
How do I get my teenager to open up?
Change the setting before you change the question. Side by side beats face to face, which is why so many real conversations happen in cars. Then swap the question. "How was your day" invites one word. "What felt heavy today" is harder to deflect.
When should I get professional help for my teenager?
Two markers. When a change has held for several weeks rather than days, and when you find yourself managing it alone. You don't need certainty to make a call. Waiting for certainty is how months pass.
My other child seems fine. Should I be worried about them too?
Difficulty presents differently in different children, and the one talking about it is not always the one struggling most. Quiet is not the same as fine, and neither is capable. Check on the one you've never worried about.
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