Please Don't Remember My Daughter for the Way She Died

If you know Maddie Coulter because of how she died, then you know the least important thing about her.

Thousands of people know her name now. And it’s not because of me. It’s because she endeared herself to people, and she brought good into the world, and that outlasts her. I'm just fortunate enough to be able to share her story.

But most of those people know one fact about a fourteen year old, and it's the last one. They don't know she ran a fan club. They don't know she picked out my shirts.

So here is who she actually was.

She vetted my dates.

I was a single dad. Maddie started asking whether I was going to date again, and I did what fathers do, which is say something vague and change the subject. She kept asking. Eventually she stopped asking and started arranging.

We'd sit down at my computer and go through profiles together. Thumbs up, thumbs down. Most got the thumbs down. Frankly, most of them were never going to measure up to her standards, and she had standards.

There were profiles from women who specified what colour hair they wanted. Or the length of it. We'd read one of those, look at each other, laugh and say “Next”.

She helped write my profile. She picked my photos.

I checked with her constantly about whether she actually wanted any part of this, because it seemed like a strange thing to hand a thirteen year old. She did. She wasn't snooping and she wasn't being nosy. She wanted me to be happy.

Her brothers had zero interest. Maddie ran it like a project.

I held the power of veto. She was the influencer.

Dates were only on the weeks the kids were at their mom's. That part I got right.

She started a One Direction Fan Club.

Self-proclaimed. Started it on Twitter when they first hit the charts. Was it a great parenting decision to let a kid that age run an account? Probably not. It was innocent and I watched it closely.

Inside a week she had more than 1,500 followers.

I had no idea how to get anyone to follow me on Twitter. I sat there watching my daughter do it in seven days without appearing to try.

She had a knack for that sort of thing. When Maddie decided to do something she put her head down and went. Enthusiastic, creative, and not remotely shy. People gravitated to her, adults as much as kids. She commanded attention in a room without asking for it.

She would have been a hell of a promoter.

Here is the part I want to say plainly.

When a person dies this way, the death starts eating the biography. It happens slowly and nobody intends it. We talk about the warning signs and the prevention and the awareness, and all of that matters, and I've rebuilt my life around it.

But somewhere in there the actual person goes missing.

She was funny. She was loud. She was stubborn and she was right more often than I was comfortable with.

Suicide is part of Maddie's story. It will never be the definition of Maddie Coulter.

If you knew her, tell me a story about her. I'd love to read it.

You May Also Like

What I Would Do Differently as a Parent
https://www.thementorwell.com/blog/what-i-would-do-differently-as-a-parent
On apologizing to your teenager, and why most of us are too proud or too tired to do it.

Don't Tell Them the Odds
https://www.thementorwell.com/blog/dont-tell-them-the-odds
What parents actually carry during a teenage mental health crisis, and why the statistics don't reach them.

Admitting Your Teen to a Psychiatric Ward
https://www.thementorwell.com/blog/admitting-teen-psychiatric-ward
The decision most parents never imagine making, from someone who made it.

Check that third slug before you publish. I found it referenced second-hand rather than on your own index.

FAQ

How should I talk about someone who died by suicide?
Lead with how they lived. Name them. Describe something they did. Safe messaging guidance discourages detail about method, and beyond that requirement, the person deserves a biography rather than a category.

What do you say to a parent who has lost a child?
Use the child's name and tell them one specific thing you remember. Most people say nothing because they're afraid of saying the wrong thing. Silence is worse than an imperfect sentence.

Is it okay to mention their child, or will it upset them?
Mention them. The parent is already thinking about their child. What hurts is the sense that everyone else has stopped.

Why does it matter how we remember people who die this way?
Because a death by suicide has a way of absorbing everything that came before it. The person becomes a cautionary tale, and prevention work that erases the people it's built on ends up dehumanizing the thing it's trying to protect.

What should I do if this post is bringing up something for me?
If you're in Canada and the US, 9-8-8 is the Suicide Crisis Helpline and it operates by call or text at any hour. If it's your own child you're worried about rather than yourself, start by telling one person out loud.