I’d Give Almost Anything to Trip Over Her Shoes Again

The Arguing Was Better Than the Silence

I used to ask Maddie to clean up her pile of shoes at our front door.

Today, I'd give almost anything to trip over them again.

"Maddie, can you organize your shoes please."

"Ok Dad, I'll do it in a little while."

A little while later. "Maddie. The shoes!"

"Ok Dad, after I'm finished FaceTiming Tessa."

It wasn't a fight. It was barely a conversation. We had some version of it a few hundred times and I couldn't tell you one of them apart from another.

That's the part I didn't understand while it was happening.

Maddie and I had our fair share of disagreements. Cool heads did not always prevail. That's on me. I wasn't always right, and I should have admitted it more often than I did.

A small thing that became bigger than it needed to be was hanging up towels. It wasn't uncommon to find one soaking wet in a heap on her bedroom floor. Was it the biggest deal in the world? No. But I rationalized that it started with a towel and spread from there.

“You're going to leave a mark on the floor.” “That towel is going to go mildewy.”

The towel was never the issue. I read it as disrespect. It was her exercising her autonomy.

I've gone over those scenarios a lot since. Did she come up to my level, or did I reach down to hers? I still don't know. It doesn't matter much now. It mattered to me then.

All of it came from a place of love. The arguing included.

She worked out why before I did. She told me we had a hard time sometimes because we were more alike than we cared to admit.

She was thirteen when she said that. Who was teaching who?

Her wisdom exceeded mine on more than a few occasions. That was one of them.

The arguing was better than the silence.

With an argument you knew where you stood.

The silence kept you guessing.

So when your kid slams a door this week and you're standing in the hallway wondering what you did wrong.

You didn't lose them because you argued.

That's two people who still think the other one is worth the effort.

Half of it won't feel like love while it's happening.

It counts anyway.

One day, the ordinary stuff becomes the stuff you would give anything to experience one more time.

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What Teens Wish Their Parents Understood
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FAQ

Is it normal to argue with your teenager?
Yes, and frequently. Disagreement between a parent and an adolescent is usually a sign the relationship still has a channel in it. What matters more is whether the arguing is the only thing happening, and whether it has recently stopped.

My teenager won't talk to me. Should I be worried?
Not on its own. Worry about change. A teenager who has always been private is different from one who used to push back and has gone quiet in the last few months. The shift is the signal, not the silence.

What is the difference between a teenager pushing back and pulling away?
Pushing back is engaged. They are arguing because they want something from you, even if that something is space. Pulling away is disengaged. The arguments stop, the requests stop, and the conflict you used to find exhausting simply isn't there anymore.

How do I talk to my teenager without them shutting down?
Ask sideways rather than across a table. In the car, during something else, without eye contact. And accept that the first attempt often goes badly. A second question a week later costs you very little and is usually the one that lands.

Does arguing damage my relationship with my teenager?
Repeated contempt does. Disagreement generally doesn't. The harder question is whether you can say out loud, to your kid, that you got something wrong. Most of us can't, and it costs more than the argument did.