I Used to Judge Parents Who Lost a Child to Suicide
The Parents I Used to Judge
Let's be honest.
When you hear that a parent lost their child to suicide, part of you judges them. Maybe only for a second. Maybe you'd never say it out loud.
What kind of parent lets that happen?
Where were they?
What did they miss?
What did they do wrong?
How hard is it to keep your own kid alive?
I know those thoughts because I had them. Years ago, I'd hear about a family and quietly decide they must have failed somewhere. Bad parents. No rules. Kids running wild. Wrong friends. Too much time and nobody watching. Drinking. Drugs.
You don't have to say it. What doesn't get said still gets thought.
And here's what that thought does. It lets you relax. It puts this in someone else's house, with someone else's kid. It's why parents take their foot off the brake and explain away what's right in front of them.
Some of those kids do drink. Some do drugs. Some do run with the wrong crowd.
Sitting where I sit, I know dozens of parents who lost a child to suicide. Some started charities in their child's name. Some stand up in front of rooms full of strangers and tell the story. Some never speak publicly at all, and they grieve their child every minute of every day. For some, the work is what gets them out of bed. Others take each morning as it comes, not knowing what it will bring. Some lost their child last year. Some lost them decades ago.
Every one of them is missing a piece of themselves that isn't coming back.
I'm one of them.
None of us look like the picture you had in your head.
I've also had more than 3,000 conversations with parents whose kids are struggling right now. I keep looking for the common denominator. There's almost nothing.
Married or divorced. Rich or broke. Private school or public. Every colour. Christian, Jewish, Muslim, nothing at all. Quiet kids, loud kids. Honour roll, dropped out. Kids with a crowd around them, kids eating lunch alone.
What the kids share is this. In their worst moment, they felt more alone than supported. Whatever they were facing felt impossible to get through. And they didn't want to be here anymore.
That's the thread. It runs through every kind of family. Yours included.
So let go of the idea that this only happens to other people's kids. Keep loving your kid as hard as you do now. And look. Really look.
Every one of those parents loved their kid.
So do you.
FAQ
Do good parents lose children to suicide?
Yes. I know dozens of them, and I'm one of them. Suicide happens in loving homes, strict homes, wealthy homes and struggling ones. Thinking it only happens to bad parents is one of the things that keeps good parents from looking closely.
Is there a type of family where teen suicide happens?
In more than 3,000 conversations with parents of struggling teens, I've found almost no pattern in who the families are. What the kids share is how they felt in their lowest moment: more alone than supported.
What should I do if my teen says they don't want to be here anymore?
Take it seriously, every time, even if it comes out sideways or as a joke. Stay calm and ask them directly whether they're thinking about suicide. Then get help: call or text 988 together. If they're in immediate danger, call 911.
Will asking my teen about suicide put the idea in their head?
No. Research consistently shows that asking directly doesn't raise the risk. For a lot of kids, it's a relief that someone finally said the word.
How do I know when to take my teen's mental health seriously?
Watch for change from your kid's normal: sleep, friends, interest in things they used to love. Pay attention when it lasts more than a couple of weeks, or when your gut keeps coming back to it. The Teen Signal Check can help you sort out what you're seeing.
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