You May Think It’s Just a Photo, But for a Grieving Parent, It’s Everything

Last December, my mom walked up to me and handed me a stack of printed photos. About three dozen of them. Maddie, Zac, Sawyer and me.

She asked if I wanted them.

I stood there holding the stack, trying to work out where they'd come from. I'd never seen most of them. I asked who took them and she wasn't sure. She thought some of them might be on my dad's computer.

So I asked him.

We sat down together and he went through old folders. Old files. Things nobody had opened in years.

There were more than thirty photos of Maddie I had never seen in my life.

What that actually does

I want to try to describe it, because I don't think most people know.

It brings her back into the room for a moment. Another angle of her smile. Another afternoon of her life. Another piece of her I didn't know I was missing, because you can't miss something you don't know exists.

That's the part that surprised me. I've spent years thinking I had all of her I was ever going to have. Then my father opened a folder on an old computer and there was more.

Why people hesitate

Most people don't do this. They think about it and they don't.

They worry a photo will trigger something. They don't want to be the reason a parent has a hard afternoon. It comes from a good place and I understand it completely.

Here's what I'd tell them.

We're already triggered. We live inside it. There's no hour of the day where she isn't somewhere in it. Nothing you send creates a pain that isn't already sitting there.

What a photo creates is the thing we almost never get. Proof that our child left an imprint on somebody outside our own house. That she existed in rooms we weren't in.

Silence is the harder one. Silence feels like forgetting.

If you're holding something

If you've got old photos in a drawer, or you come across a hard drive, or you're scrolling and a picture comes up of someone who isn't here anymore, send it.

You don't need a message to go with it. You don't have to find the right words and there aren't any.

You might make their year.

Maddie Coulter. June 28, 2000 to April 11, 2015.

If you or someone you love is struggling, 988 is free and confidential, any hour, by call or text.

FAQ

Should I send a grieving parent a photo of their child, or will it upset them?
Send it. Bereaved parents are already living inside the loss, so a photo doesn't introduce pain that wasn't there. What it does introduce is proof their child existed in rooms the family wasn't in.

What do I say when I send it?
Nothing is fine. There are no right words, and hunting for them is usually what stops people from sending anything at all. The photo carries the message on its own.

Is it okay to say their child's name?
Yes. You will not remind a grieving parent of something they forgot. They never forgot. Avoiding the name is meant as protection and lands as erasure.

How long after a death is it still appropriate to share memories?
There's no window that closes. Photos and stories often matter more years later, once the calls have stopped and most people have moved on.

What if I only have one photo, or it's blurry, or they're in the background?
Send it. A bad photo of a child who isn't here is still an afternoon of their life the family didn't have.

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