If You Want Your Teen to Open Up, Sit Beside Them, Not Across From Them

Side by side is where teens feel safe enough to tell you the truth.

Most parents think meaningful conversations with their teen need to be serious.
Structured.
Planned.
Almost scripted.

Teens see it differently.
They want conversations that feel tolerable.
Light.
Natural.
Free of pressure.

This mismatch creates a wall between parents and teens.
Both sides want connection, but the approach pulls them apart.

The quiet moments reveal more than the serious ones.

The answer is quite simple.
The best conversations happen side by side, not face to face.

I have seen this for years.
Some of the most honest talks I ever had with my kids happened when I was not trying to have a talk at all.

One of the clearest moments came on a drive home after swim or hockey practice.
No agenda.
No planned questions.
Just the two of us in a car.
The radio on low.
The world a little quieter.

Out of nowhere, they start talking about something that had been weighing on them.
Nothing dramatic.
Nothing explosive.
Just real.
They talk because the pressure was low.
There was no direct eye contact.
No feeling of being examined.
No sense of being put on the spot.

The same thing happened with Maddie more than once.
One of my favourite conversations with her came after picking her up after swim practice.
Music low.
Traffic light.
Ninety minutes of staring at a black line at the bottom of the pool must have given her an epiphany.

She said, “I figured out why you and me have disagreements sometimes.”
I did that sideways glance every parent knows.
Where did that come from?

She kept going.
“I realized why we push each other’s buttons.”
I asked her what she meant.

She said, “I realized we are very similar to one another. I’m a lot like you. And that is why we argue sometimes.”

She did not realize it then, but it was one of the biggest compliments she ever gave me.
I looked over at her and smiled.
“Thank you,” I said.
“I think you are probably right.”

It was a simple drive home.
Nothing planned.
Nothing special from the outside.
Yet it is one of the moments I’ll carry with me forever.

Your best talks start where the pressure is lowest.

Side by side moments work because they feel safe.
Teens think more clearly when their hands or body are doing something.
Silence feels normal.
Breathing room exists.
They talk at their pace, not ours.

Walking.
Driving.
Cooking together.
Shooting hoops.
Running errands.

These ordinary moments carry real impact.

I saw the same thing when we built the How Are You Feeling program.
We taught teens what their emotions meant.
We showed them how to recognize stress, sadness, frustration, fear, and grief.
We taught them how to process emotions instead of hiding them.

Most teens had never been taught any of this in school.
They tried to figure out their emotional world alone.
And like any of us doing something for the first time, they often got it wrong.

The program was fun.
Interactive.
Engaging.
We talked about the tough stuff most parents and almost school avoid.
Grief.
Addiction.
Depression.
Suicide.

The feedback from teens was powerful.
Many said it changed their lives because someone finally gave them language for what they felt.

Many schools resisted the program.
Not because it lacked value.
Because the topics made people uncomfortable.
But avoiding emotions does not protect teens.
Avoiding them leaves teens alone with feelings they do not understand.

This is why I am proud that the How Are You Feeling program is part of our LifeLine Parent Workshops.
Parents get tools that schools do not teach.
Families learn to create safe side by side spaces.
They learn how to talk early, gently, and without fear.

This is also core to The MentorWell.
Reduce the pressure.
Increase the truth.

Teens open up when the moment feels natural.
Not when it feels serious.
Not when the parent feels ready.
When our young people feel safe.

Parents learn more in ten minutes of a side by side moment than in an entire serious conversation.

When pressure drops, honesty rises.
Teens share earlier.
They reveal what sits beneath their behaviour.
They feel understood instead of examined.

You do not need the right speech.
You only need presence.
The environment does the work.
Side by side moments build trust quietly and consistently.

Think about your own home.
When does your teen talk the most?
Where do they soften?
Where do they open up without effort?

Every family has a place where truth comes easier.

Where do your best side by side conversations happen?