The Photo That Never Changes
Originally published January 13, 2017
I wrote this in January 2017, twenty-one months after Maddie died. I have not changed what it says. I'm putting it back up because the fridge is still doing the same thing, and because people keep telling me they have one too.
I walk by my fridge twenty times a day. I always have without giving it half a thought. On the fridge are all the school photos of the kids, cousins and friends' kids from present school years. But one photo will always remain the same; Maddie's Grade 8 Grad Photo.
I find myself, stopping in front of the fridge often and staring at her picture. There are plenty of pictures of Maddie around the house. My house is not a shrine dedicated to her but certainly you can't walk through my house without noticing the conspicuous assortment of Maddie's photos. She will forever be a part of our family. It's a constant reminder of how fragile life can be. How suddenly things can be tossed into turmoil.
The photos on the fridge represent how life moves on, kids grow up and kids change. Maddie will always remain that beautiful, fourteen-year-old with braces, huge smiling eyes captured in her school blazer and a loosened neck tie. What life would've looked like for Maddie will remain a mystery. She will be time-locked as this fourteen-year-old with more ahead of her than anyone could count, an audacious sense of humour, tireless compassion, and a way of making other teenagers feel like they mattered.
Zac starts Grade 9 this year at Lawrence Park and although you undoubtedly can tell they are siblings, Zac is forging his own trail and leaving his own legacy. In many ways, I'm glad Zac decided not to go to NTCI; the school where Maddie started high school. High school is difficult enough without walking in his sister's shadow, where people would see him and think of what she never got to do. NTCI is also the school that possesses "Maddie's Bench" as a reminder to all students that life requires reflection, patience and empathy.
Zac and Sawyer have already grown up immensely over the past year and a half. They've had to deal with so much that has occurred in the wake of Maddie's death. They've matured well beyond their years in a short period of time. They've experienced so much emotion and wonder how they can possibly be equipped to deal with all of this. But they have. It has forever changed them. They don't walk around in a dark cloud. They're always laughing. The love that was shared by three now manifests itself between the two of them. Maddie is never far from their thoughts.
The school years will pass and the photos on the fridge will get updated. The photos being replaced with high school and university graduation shots, wedding pictures and photos of grandchildren; Maddie will forever occupy her place on my fridge, time-locked as a beautiful fourteen-year-old with braces and huge smiling eyes.
Nine years later.
The fridge has been updated many times since I wrote this. Maddie's photo has not moved.
I got one thing wrong up there. I decided Zac chose Lawrence Park to stay out of his sister's shadow. That was my read, not his. Neither of my boys was ever embarrassed about Maddie. Both of them speak about youth mental health now, publicly, and neither one did it because I asked.
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