Is It Okay to Talk About Their Child at Christmas? (Yes, Here’s How)

Original post revised from May 28, 2025 (Holiday Edition)

Christmas Grief Relief for Parents

“Will I make it worse by bringing them up?”

Almost every week, I receive a message from someone with the same quiet worry. They want to support a friend or family member who has lost someone. They are afraid of saying the wrong thing.

The question comes up fast.

Should I bring them up?
Will it trigger them?

This fear gets heavier at Christmas.

I can only speak from my own experience. And from conversations with many parents who have lost a child. Almost without exception, we want our child talked about.

Nothing lights me up more than hearing Maddie’s name.
Because Maddie still matters.
She always will.

I hold space for her in my heart every day. That does not change.
The same is true for your grieving friend.

Why Grief Feels Louder During the Holidays

If you have lost someone close, you know how heavy the silence around their name can feel. And if you love someone who is grieving, especially a parent who has lost a child, you may feel frozen.

“What if I say the wrong thing?”
”What if I make it worse?”

Most grieving parents will never say this out loud.
The pain is already there.

Saying their child’s name honours their pain.

So yes, it is okay to talk about their child.
Many parents long for it.

Especially during the holidays.

How Our Family Honours Maddie at Christmas

Last year, I started a new Christmas tradition.

It was our tenth Christmas without Maddie.

We were together at my brother’s house. Instead of buying gifts for everyone, we switched to a Secret Santa. It slowed things down. And it was much more fun and kept everyone engaged.

Christmas will always be different without Maddie.
It was her favourite time of year.

Some people in the room were very young when she died. Others never met her at all. New partners. New faces. I wanted Maddie included, as part of the day.

Saying a Lost Child’s Name at Christmas

After Secret Santa, I spoke up.

I said, “Let’s share a favourite memory or story about Maddie. No pressure. Only if you want to.”

My niece, Emma went first. She was a year younger than Maddie. They were very close.
Then Zac.
Then Sawyer.
Then my mom.
Then me.

What Helps a Grieving Parent

It was not heavy.
It was not sad.

There was laughter. Smiles. Familiar moments coming back to life.

For the people who never knew Maddie, it offered a glimpse of who she was. The joy she brought. Why she still matters.

That moment made the day warmer. It made me grateful.

Why Talking About a Lost Child Matters

That Christmas reinforced something I already knew.

Talking about your child keeps them present.

For grieving parents, hearing their child’s name can feel grounding. Especially during the holidays. It reminds us our child still belongs. Still has a place in the room.

This is why silence hurts more than words.

And why remembering matters.

What to Say to a Grieving Parent at Christmas

You do not need perfect words.
You only need to show up.

Simple sentences matter.

• I was thinking about Maddie today.
• I know Christmas can be hard. I am holding you and Maddie in mind.
• I saw something that reminded me of Maddie.
• You do not need to reply. I just wanted you to know Maddie matters.

These moments soften the isolation.

Why Avoiding the Topic Can Hurt More

Many people avoid saying a child’s name out of fear.
Fear of triggering pain or saying the wrong thing.

What parents often feel instead is disappearance.
Like their child slipped out of the story.

At Christmas, that silence can feel unbearable.

Remembering says something powerful.

Your child still belongs.
Your child is not forgotten.

Sharing Memories With Grieving Parents

You do not need a big story.
You do not need to explain anything.

Share a memory.
A photo.
A small detail you remember.

Parents hold these moments close.
They remind us our child lived.
They mattered.
They are still loved by more than our immediate family.

When You Do Not Know What to Say to Someone Grieving

Say this.

• I do not have the right words, but I care.
• I know this season is heavy. I am here.
• I am thinking of you today.

Presence beats trying to be perfect.

Support for Parents Grieving at Christmas
The MentorWell Parent Circle

If you are supporting a grieving parent this Christmas, your willingness to remember matters.

And if you are the parent quietly carrying the sadness this season, you do not have to do it alone.

The MentorWell Parent Circle exists for moments like this.
Parents supporting parents.
No fixing.
No pressure.
No pretending the holidays are easy.

You are welcome here.
We are a community that understands.