I Made the Rules. My Kids Lived With Them

5 Parenting Mistakes I Wish I Could Take Back

In July I wrote about seven things I'd do differently as a parent. Ask more. Fix less. Listen longer. Every one of them was about paying closer attention.

I left something out. None of them were about power. That's where I made most of my mistakes.

I made the rules. I made the calls. I decided what was fair. I thought that was the job.

I don't know if doing any of this differently would have changed what happened. I won't pretend to know that. I do know it would have changed what it felt like to be a kid in my house.

1. I answered questions nobody asked.

Sawyer would come home upset about a friend and I'd be three solutions deep before he finished the story. I decided what kind of help he needed before he'd finished telling me.

Later we found out he was being bullied at his Montessori school. He dreaded going. The teachers hadn't told us. Neither had he.

I've wondered since what he thought I'd do with it.

I learned a question from Kevin Hines, about twenty years too late. Do you want help fixing this, or do you just need me to hear it?

Most of the time it would have been the second one. Asking would have told me that. It also would have told him I knew there was a difference.

A lot of my questions back then were really answers with a question mark on the end. I asked the easy ones.

2. I made the rules alone.

Maddie helped me start dating again. We sat at my computer and went through profiles together, thumbs up, thumbs down. She helped write my profile and pick my photos. I held the power of veto, but she was the influencer.

She took it seriously. She also thought it was hilarious. She had opinions, and they were mostly good.

Curfew, screen time, chores: I decided those myself and announced them.

I trusted her judgement on who I should date. I didn't trust it on what time she should be home.

If I could do it again, I'd sit down and ask what she thought was fair. I'd keep the veto. Kids who help write a rule have a harder time calling it unfair. They're also more likely to tell you when it stops working.

3. I had phone rules. Mine weren't on the list.

When Maddie started a One Direction fan club on Twitter, it passed 1,500 followers in a week. I watched that account closely. I'd do that again.

Nobody was watching mine. I had rules for the kids' phones and none for my own.

Kids learn phone rules by watching what you do with yours. Mine were learning that the rules applied to them.

4. I tried to be every adult they needed.

Maddie was magnetic with adults. She could command a room of grown-ups and leave them wanting her back.

I had a kid who was great with adults, and I kept her mostly with her mom and me.

There are adults who'd have been better than me at certain things. A coach. A family friend. Someone who worked in music. Teenagers tell those people things they won't tell a parent. That used to sting. Now it's what I'd go looking for.

5. I reacted to the answer instead of the person.

When she did tell me something, my face usually spoke before I did.

A teenager often tells you something small to see what you'll do with it. Your reaction is the answer. They decide from that whether the next thing is worth telling you.

Curiosity sounds like What was that like? or What made you go along with it? Judgement mostly sounds like a sigh.

I sighed a lot.

All five come back to the same place. I held on to the power because I thought that's what a good parent does. Mostly it was just easier.

What's one rule in your house your teenager has never been asked about?

FAQ

How do I talk to my teenager without them shutting down?
Watch your first reaction more than your words. Teenagers often test with something small. If your face or a sigh answers before you do, they learn what not to bring you next. Ask "Do you want help, or do you want me to listen?" before you offer a fix.

Should my teenager help make the house rules?
Ask for their input and keep the final say. Kids who help write a rule tend to push back on it less, and they're more likely to tell you when it isn't working.

Is it fair to have phone rules I don't follow myself?
Your kids are learning the rule from your phone, not your words. If a rule only applies to them, they'll notice. Pick one rule the whole house follows, you included.

Is it a bad sign if my teen talks to other adults more than me?
Not on its own. A coach, a relative or an adult mentor can hear things a teenager isn't ready to tell a parent. What matters is that they have someone safe to tell.

What if my teen tells me something that worries me?
Stay curious first. "What was that like?" will keep them talking longer than a lecture. If what they tell you involves their safety, get help. Kids Help Phone (1-800-668-6868) and 9-8-8 are both available any time in Canada.

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What I Would Do Differently as a Parent
The earlier list that this post builds on: asking more, fixing less, listening longer.