I Wish Maddie Could Read the Messages I Receive

Earlier this year, someone asked me to stop sharing Maddie's photos.

They meant it kindly. They wondered if keeping her face out in the world was holding her somewhere she no longer needed to be.

I didn't brush it off. I thought about it for days. Ok, maybe a hour or two.

Then a mother I've known for a while sent me a message.

Her daughter is fighting addiction. A few days earlier, they'd been driving together. She handed her daughter the phone and let her scroll through Maddie's photos.

Her daughter wanted a real person. She found one. A girl with brothers, who made faces at cameras. Someone who felt like a sister.

I wish Maddie could read that one.

Messages like it come in every week. Most are from parents. Some lost a child decades ago. Some have a kid who is struggling right now, and they haven't told anyone else.

Maddie never knew any of this would happen. She was 14. Her photos were just her life. Selfies. Goofy faces she made me pull in the car. Her and her cousin Emma hamming it up at the cottage.

This is a kid who started a One Direction fan club on Twitter and passed 1,500 followers in a week. She liked an audience. She'd have read every one of these messages. Then she'd have told me I was answering them wrong.

Here are a few of them.

A father wrote to me about his 16-year-old son. Eight months of one-word answers, headphones on, door closed. He'd stopped trying. He asked me, "I don't know if I'm giving him space or giving up. Is there a difference?"

I told him about the night I ran out of words with Maddie. I lay down on her bed beside her and stared at the ceiling. Neither of us said anything for a while. Then she started talking.

Maddie taught me that. Years later, she was helping another dad with his son.

A single mother of three told me she opens her daughter's bedroom door every morning to check that she's breathing. Then she drives to work and leads her team like nothing is wrong. She'd been completely alone with it until she found Maddie's story.

A woman who lost her son thirty-three years ago told me she'd turned decades of birthday poems for him into a song. Her own daughter couldn't listen to it. People keep telling her she should be over it by now. The first place she felt she could set it down was a message to a stranger who talks about his daughter in public.

A mother in the UK wrote after she found out her daughter had been self-harming. She said she'd been thrown into a whole other world. Finding my page made her feel less alone.

Almost none of them had told the people closest to them first.

I understand that. When Maddie was struggling, I didn't tell my friends. I didn't tell anyone at work. I couldn't predict what would happen after I said the words out loud.

A stranger is safe in a way the people who love you sometimes aren't. There's no relationship to damage. No look across the dinner table the next time you see each other.

If someone you love is carrying something like this, they may be telling a stranger before they tell you. The next time they start, hold off on fixing it. Just stay.

The person who asked me to stop sharing Maddie's photos was trying to help. I know that.

But Maddie has been in the passenger seat of a car she never rode in. She's been in a message to a father she never met. She was 14 when she died, and she's still meeting people.

I wish she could read what they send me.

So I'm going to keep sharing her photos.

If you're carrying something you haven't told the people closest to you, When Something Feels Off is a private community of parents who are living it too.

If you're struggling, you can call or text 9-8-8 any time in Canada or the US..

You May Also Like

When Your Teen Stops Talking: The Power of Quiet Presence The full story of the father who asked if he was giving his son space or giving up, and the night Chris lay on Maddie's bed and stared at the ceiling.

The Inbox Diaries: "I Check If She's Breathing Before I Go to Work" The single mother who checks on her daughter every morning before leading her team, and the colleagues who have no idea.

A Stranger Understood Me Better Than Anyone Why parents tell a stranger before they tell the people who love them, and what to say when someone finally tells you.

FAQ

Why do parents tell a stranger before they tell their friends? A stranger carries no risk to the relationship. Many parents can't predict how a friend or relative will react, so they stay quiet with the people closest to them and say it somewhere safer first.

My teenager won't talk to me. What can I do? Stay close without pushing. Sit nearby with no agenda, and let the silence be comfortable. Many teens open up once they stop feeling questioned, on their own timeline.

Is it okay to keep sharing photos of a child who died? There's no rule. Some parents keep their child's photos private, and others share them for years. For Chris, sharing Maddie's photos is how people meet who she actually was.

What should I say when someone tells me their child is struggling? Hold off on solutions, comparisons and reassurance. Try: "I'm glad you told me. I'm not going anywhere." Then check in again a couple of days later.

Where can I get help right now in Canada? Call or text 9-8-8, any time of day. Young people can reach Kids Help Phone at 1-800-668-6868, or text CONNECT to 686868. If someone is in immediate danger, call 911.