Why “Help Me Understand” Is the Most Underrated Parenting Tool
Last week, a parent told me, “I asked my daughter why she was so angry all the time. She slammed the door. Again.”
You know those moments, the ones where you're trying to connect, and it feels like you're just making things worse? A sigh, a shrug, a door that closes just a little too hard. It’s heartbreaking. And confusing. And lonely.
This phrase helped me immensely: "Help me understand." I wish I had it in my arsenal early on with Maddie. It would’ve diffused a ton of tension.
I keep it as a screensaver on my phone as a constant reminder. Here’s the thing: it’s not just for my boys.
The Science of Teen Resistance: Why They Shut Down
Teenagers are wired to seek independence, but their brains are still developing the ability to manage emotions and resolve conflicts. When we approach them with lectures or assumptions, their defences go up quickly. What appears to be defiance is often a result of fear, shame, or simply feeling overwhelmed.
And when a teen feels misunderstood, they retreat. Not because they don’t care, but because they don’t feel safe.
How “Help Me Understand” Opens Doors Instead of Closing Them
"Help me understand" is an invitation, not a demand. It signals that you’re not trying to win, fix, or force. You're opening space. It’s also my favourite line when I mentor teens. (Shhhhh, don’t say anything)
It lowers the emotional temperature. It says: I'm here to listen, not judge. It gives your teen permission to stay in the conversation instead of walking away from it.
And most importantly? It shows you're willing to learn with them, not just parent at them.
5 Real-Life Situations to Use This Phrase (And What NOT to Say Instead)
When they blow off schoolwork: Instead of: "Why are you so lazy lately?" Try: "Help me understand what’s been hard about school these days."
When they come home way past curfew, Instead of saying, "You clearly don’t respect my rules." Try: "Help me understand what happened tonight."
When they lash out at a sibling, instead of saying, "You need to calm down." Try: "Help me understand what got you so upset."
When they say they hate their body, instead of: "Don’t say that. You’re beautiful!" Try: "Help me understand what makes you feel that way."
When they shut you out completely: Instead of: "You never talk to me anymore." Try: "Help me understand how I can show up for you better."
When It Doesn’t Work: What to Do Next
Sometimes, even the gentlest invitation gets a cold shoulder. That doesn’t mean you failed. It means your teen might need time.
Stay patient. Come back later. Maybe even say, "I get that you don’t want to talk now. Just know I'm ready to listen when you are."
Consistency builds safety. And safety builds trust.
Small Phrase, Big Shift: A Step Toward Connection
"Help me understand" won’t magically fix your relationship overnight. But it does open a door.
A door to curiosity instead of control. To empathy instead of judgment. To conversation instead of silence.
And when it comes to parenting teens, that might just be the most powerful shift of all.
If this resonated, you’re not alone, and you don’t have to figure it out alone either. At The Mentor Well, we pair teens with trained mentors who lead with empathy and curiosity. Mentors who know how to ask, “Help me understand,” and mean it. It’s not therapy. It’s not a lecture. It’s just someone in their corner, showing up. Every week.
Because sometimes, what your teen needs most isn't more answers. It's a trusted guide who knows how to ask the right questions.
