We’ve Been Asking the Wrong Question: It’s Not ‘Why Did They Do It?’ It’s ‘Why Didn’t They Feel Safe Telling Us?’
When a young person dies by suicide, the question that haunts us most is: Why? Why would they do this? Why didn’t we see it coming? Why didn’t they come to us?
But maybe those aren’t the questions that lead us anywhere useful.
Maybe the question we really need to ask is: Why didn’t they feel safe telling us they were in pain?
Because underneath almost every crisis is a quiet truth: the child didn’t feel emotionally safe enough to be fully seen.
The Real Question: “Did They Feel Like They Could Talk to Me?”
We often assume love equals safety. That being available means our kids know they can come to us. But emotional safety isn’t about good intentions or even physical presence.
It’s about how a child feels in our presence.
Can they cry without being told to calm down? Can they share dark thoughts without being met with fear, shame, or correction? Can they be imperfect: messy, angry, confused, without being shut down or brushed off?
What Emotional Safety Looks Like in Real Life
It doesn’t look like a perfectly calm home. It doesn’t mean no conflict. It means your child knows that even when things are hard, they won’t be punished for honesty.
It sounds like:
“Thank you for telling me that.”
“That must feel heavy. I’m here.”
“I may not fully get it, but I want to try.”
It feels like:
Being listened to without interruption
Being allowed to have big emotions without being fixed
Seeing a parent admit their own mistakes, too
Parents Think This is Only a Teen Issue
Parents often think this is only a teen issue, just attitude, angst, or hormones. Many don’t see themselves as part of the problem.
But the truth is, this is on you too. Many parents dismiss what’s happening as “normal teenage behaviour” without realizing their role in the picture. They jump into fix-it mode the moment their teen opens up, not understanding that this is exactly why their child stops sharing.
When that happens, the relationship fractures. This isn’t about blame or shame; it’s about giving you the chance to make things better. Because if something were to happen to your teenager, you’d be left carrying a lifetime of regret.
When Kids Hide Pain to Protect Us
Sometimes kids don’t open up because they don’t want to hurt us. Or scare us. Or feel like a burden.
And sometimes, they’ve already learned that vulnerability isn’t safe. Maybe they tried once and were dismissed. Maybe they sensed our discomfort. Maybe they heard us talk about others who were struggling in a way that made them feel judged.
So they keep it in. Smile when needed. Perform. Hide.
Until the pain feels unbearable.
A Quiet Challenge: Are You Asking the Right Questions?
Not: "Why did they do it?" But: "Have I created an environment where my child feels safe bringing their whole self to me?"
Not: "How do I fix them?" But: "How do I respond when they show me something hard?"
Not: "What’s wrong with them?" But: "Do they believe my love is stronger than their shame?"
Quick Quiz: How Emotionally Safe Is Your Home?
Answer honestly:
Do I react or pause when my teen shares something intense?
Can my teen disagree with me without fear of punishment?
When they’re withdrawn or angry, do I get curious or controlling?
Have I ever apologized to my teen for overreacting?
Do they know I can handle their truth?
Even one yes is a foundation. And one no is an invitation to grow.
One Small Change You Can Make Today
Pick one phrase you’ll say next time things get hard:
“You don’t have to go through this alone.”
“Nothing you say will make me love you less.”
“I can handle this. I just need you to be honest.”
Say it. Then say it again. And again.
Because emotional safety isn’t built in one conversation. It’s built over time. In the way we listen. In the way we stay.
