The Parenting Habit That’s Quietly Destroying Trust(And It’s Showing Up in Your Other Relationships Too)
This One Question Rebuilds Broken Relationships With Your Teen
The question I get asked more than anything else is:
“What’s the one thing you recommend to parents to build a stronger relationship with their teen or young adult?”
My answer is always the same:
“When they open up, shut up. Stop trying to fix them. Stop giving unsolicited advice.”
I hear from so many parents who tried just listening, and suddenly, the relationship shifted. It’s amazing how quickly things can change when we resist the urge to fix. As parents, and really as people, we’re wired to jump into problem-solving mode. Most of the time, we don’t even realize we’re doing it.
Listening, really listening, is hard without jumping in to help. I know because I did it with my kids, and I’m sure I did it with my employees too. Honestly, I probably still slip into it sometimes. Just the other week, I told Sawyer, “If I jump into unsolicited advice-giving mode. Stop me.”
There’s a question I picked up from my friend Kevin Hines, who shared it with me when I was a guest on his podcast:
“Is this a fix-it or a feel-it conversation?”
It’s simple, but it changes everything. Especially what the individual is seeking.
This rule applies to all of us. Most advice usually comes from a place of caring and kindness. But the way it’s received, often isn’t the way it was intended. That’s why kids shut down. That’s why they stop sharing. And it doesn’t just happen with our kids, it shows up in our friendships, our marriages, even at work.
I didn’t really see it until I noticed how it was showing up in my own life. I have a friend I love and admire, someone who was there for me in the darkest days after Maddie’s death. But over time, I started to dread our conversations. He became the “advice monster.” Most of the time, I wasn’t asking for it. I didn’t even realize how much it bothered me until recently.
We met recently, I shared what was happening in my life, and almost instantly, the unsolicited advice began. I could feel my blood pressure starting to rise. I could feel myself sweating. Finally, I stopped him and said, “Can I say something?”
I told him, “Sometimes when we share, we’re not looking to be fixed. We’re not looking for advice. We just want to be heard without judgment.” He didn’t even realize he’d gone into fix-it mode. I shared a story about a meeting with a CEO, and before I’d finished, he’d rattled off five points I should use, as if I hadn’t thought about fifty others already. The advice didn’t land. It completely invalidated my point.
His response? “I give really good advice. Most people really value my advice.”
My thought? Unwelcome advice, no matter how good, is still unwelcome advice.
My comment wasn’t intended to be hurtful. I was being honest and trying to be helpful. My point was completely invalidated, and I felt like shit.
If a relationship in your life isn’t what it used to be, maybe with your child, your partner, a friend, or even a colleague, it might be because unsolicited advice has taken the place of listening.
Try Kevin’s question: “Is this a fix-it or feel-it conversation?” You might find the relationship gets a fresh reboot. Or, you might discover it’s time to make some hard decisions about whether that relationship can grow in a healthy way.
