Five Things Losing a Child to Suicide Taught Me About Parenting

In April 2015, I saw 22 missed calls on my phone.

Then I read a text no parent is ready for.

Maddie was 14. She had sent a goodbye message. By the time I got there, she was gone.

I have spent more than eleven years with that moment. I have replayed it more times than I can count. The conversation I didn't push. The quiet answer I accepted. The sign I told myself meant nothing.

I was wrong.

I’m not writing this to make you afraid. I’m writing it because I know what it feels like to wish you had paid closer attention. And I know you still have time.

Here is what this decade has shown me about kids, about parenting, and about what actually matters.

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1. Listening Is Not the Same as Hearing

Maddie talked to me.

I thought I was listening. I answered her questions. I asked about her day. I noticed when she seemed off.

But I was hearing words. I wasn't tracking what sat underneath them.

Kids rarely name their pain directly. They give you something smaller first. A shift in mood. A vague answer. A joke that lands a little flat. They are testing the water before they wade in.

If you respond to the surface, they often stop there.

Listening means staying curious after the first answer. It means asking a second question when the first one gets a short reply. It means sitting with silence long enough for something real to come through.

That is harder than it sounds. Especially when you're tired, distracted, or convinced that everything is probably fine.

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2. Presence Matters More Than Perfection

Parents carry a pressure to get parenting right.

The right response. The right boundary. The right balance between freedom and structure.

I understand that pressure. I lived it. But what I know now is that Maddie didn't need me to have the perfect answer. She needed me to show up and stay.

A conversation in the car on the way to nowhere in particular. A quiet check-in before bed. Sitting beside her while she watched something I didn't understand and had no interest in.

Those moments were not nothing. They were the whole thing

Your teen is not keeping score on how well you parent. They are keeping track of whether you are there.

I’m going to say that again. They are keeping track of whether you are there.

3. You Will Not Plant Ideas by Asking Direct Questions

I avoided certain conversations with Maddie because I was afraid of saying the wrong thing.

I told myself I didn't want to put ideas in her head.

That fear is common. I hear it from parents all the time. It is also wrong.

Asking your teen directly about their mental health does not introduce darkness. It signals that darkness is something they can bring to you. That is a completely different thing.

Most teens who are struggling are not waiting for someone to give them permission to feel what they feel. They are waiting for someone who seems safe enough to tell.

You become that person by asking. Not by waiting.

If you don't know where to start, start simple. "How are you actually doing?" "Is anything weighing on you lately?" "You seem a bit off. Am I reading that right?"

You will not break anything by asking. You might open something.

4. They Need You to See Who They Are, Not Who You Want Them to Be

Maddie was funny. She was creative and deeply caring. She noticed things about people that others missed entirely.

She also doubted herself more than anyone around her knew.

That gap, between who she was and how she saw herself, was something I didn't see clearly enough. I was paying attention to her future. I wasn't paying enough attention to how she was experiencing the present.

Teens do not need more opinions about who they should become. They need more evidence that who they already are is enough.

That means noticing what they care about, not just what they're good at. It means celebrating the weird, specific things that make them themselves. It means sitting with their identity without trying to redirect it toward something more practical or socially acceptable.

They are watching you for signs that you approve of who they actually are. Not the version you're hoping they'll grow into.

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5. Say It More Than You Think You Need To

I hope Maddie always knew how much she was loved.

I believe she did.

I still wish I had said it more often.

Not in the big moments. In the ordinary ones. The Tuesday morning before school. The end of a phone call that was going nowhere. The times I could feel she needed to hear it but I assumed she already knew.

Teens are not always going to tell you that the words matter. They might roll their eyes. They might seem indifferent.

Say it anyway.

The words land somewhere, even when you can't see it.

I say it to both my boys every day. And I always will because of Maddie.

What I Ask of You

I am not asking you to become a different parent overnight.

I am asking you to pay a little more attention to what you are already noticing.

The quieter meal. The shorter answer. The slight shift in energy you can't quite name.

You are probably picking up on something real. The question is what you do with it.

Check in before you convince yourself everything is fine. Ask the uncomfortable question. Sit with them when things feel heavy. Give them one more chance to share what they are carrying.

If you sense your teen needs another trusted adult in their corner, that is not a failure. That is parenting with clear eyes.

That is what The MentorWell is here for.

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The MentorWell was built to give families the support we never had. If you are worried about your teen, or simply want to understand the warning signs better, start at TheMentorWell.com.