Is It Okay to Talk About Their Child? (Yes, Here’s How)
Photo credit: Paul German
The Common Fear: “Will I Make It Worse?”
Almost every week, I receive a DM from someone who wants to support a friend or family member who has lost someone, and they’re wondering how to support them best. The question that arises most is whether I should bring up their lost loved one, or will it trigger them. I can only talk from my own experiences. Others in my boat, almost without exception, will agree; they love it when someone brings up their loved one. Whether it’s acknowledging their loss or asking to hear a story about their loved one, nothing lights me up more than talking about Maddie. Why? Because Maddie still matters. I hold a space in my heart for her always. This will never change. The same applies to your friend.
If you’ve ever lost someone close to you, you know how the silence around their name can feel heavier than words. And if you’ve ever loved someone who’s grieving—especially a parent who’s lost a child—you may have found yourself paralyzed by fear: What if I say the wrong thing? What if I make it worse?
Most grieving parents will never say out loud: the pain is already there. Saying their child’s name doesn’t create it; it honours it.
So, yes, it’s okay to talk about their child. In fact, many parents long for it.
What Grieving Parents Often Long to Hear
Grieving parents don’t expect you to fix their loss. They’re not looking for perfect words. They’re looking for presence. A gentle reminder that their child hasn’t been forgotten.
Things like:
“I was thinking of Maddie today.”
“I saw a photo from last year, and it made me smile.”
“You don’t have to say anything, just know I’m here.”
Grief is lonely. Words like these ease the ache, even just a little.
Why Avoiding the Child’s Name Hurts More Than Helps
Many people tiptoe around the topic, assuming that not mentioning the child protects the parent. What you’re avoiding might be exactly what they want most, to know their child is remembered.
When no one speaks their name, it can feel like the world is trying to erase them. A parent’s greatest fear after losing a child isn’t that people will bring them up, it’s that people will stop.
Even a simple sentence, “I still think of Maddie”, can feel like oxygen.
The Power of Sharing Stories, Photos, and Memories
You don’t need to deliver a eulogy. You just need to be real.
Share a photo. A moment. A quirky story. Something they maybe forgotten, or never knew. These glimpses of their child through your eyes are treasures. They remind parents that their child lived, was loved, and left a mark.
Especially around holidays or anniversaries, these stories can bring unexpected comfort.
What to Say When You’re Not Sure What to Say
You don’t need to say much. Silence isn’t bad, but silence with presence is powerful.
Try:
“I don’t have the right words, but I want you to know I care.”
“I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”
“This must be so hard. I’m thinking of you today.”
It’s not about solving grief. It’s about sitting with it, without pushing it away.
Simple Phrases That Bring Comfort and Connection
Looking for something more concrete? Here are a few phrases that grieving parents often tell us feel like comfort food:
“I remember the way Maddie laughed.”
“She made such a difference, even in her short time.”
“You’re still their parent. That never changes.”
“Tell me something you loved about them.”
These are more than words. They’re connection.
Want to Say Something That Truly Helps?
✨ Grab our free guide: “Say Something Beautiful: 7 Phrases That Truly Helped Me as a Grieving Parent”
It’s a short, heartfelt resource with gentle, real-life language you can use when someone you care about is facing the unthinkable. It’s something that has brought me comfort. I’m betting it will bring comfort to your friend or family member as well.
