How I Learned to Talk to My Teen (and Sometimes Just Keep My Mouth Shut)

I read a parenting article the other day. It was one of those ones about talking to teenagers, full of tips and gentle reminders about listening more and lecturing less. I almost skipped it. But then I thought, alright, maybe there’s something new in here. After all, raising teens is a moving target. Besides, I’m about two months away from my youngest son, Sawyer, turning twenty, and never want to be accused of being close-minded.

The article made one simple point: if you want your teenager to actually talk to you, you need to shut up. (Not in those words, but you get the idea.) Let them talk. Ask, “How do you feel about that?” Then don’t jump in. Don’t rush to give your opinion. Just, listen.

I’ve talked about this repeatedly over the last few years. Mostly, because I used to be one of those parents.

It sounds simple. But it’s not. At least not for me. And evidently, I’m not alone.

I’m not that far removed from this. I remember when one of my kids walked in the door, dumped their backpack, and I can see there’s a storm brewing. My first instinct? Dive in with advice. Or worse, remind them how I handled things at their age. Most of the time, that’s not what they want. They’re not looking for a lecture or a solution. They just want someone who can hold space for a few minutes while they unload.

But here’s the catch. Sometimes your teen does want more than a sounding board. I’ve learned this (the slow, awkward way) in my kitchen or living room. Every now and then, they’re not just venting. They’re hoping for a little guidance, or maybe just a different perspective.

That’s where I borrow something I learned from Kevin Hines while a guest on his podcast. He calls it, “Feel it or Fix it.” Before I charge into solution mode, I pause and ask, “Do you want me to feel it or fix it?” In plain language: “Do you just want me to listen, or do you want to come up with a solution together?

It’s a tiny question that makes a big difference. It gives them control. Instead of me hijacking the conversation with advice they never asked for, it lets them decide what they need. Sometimes, they say, “Just listen.” So I do. Other times, they say, “Help me figure this out.” And I can actually help, because I know I’m not overstepping.

Here’s the thing, it works with your conversations with your work associates, friends and your spouse too.

Notice the difference? I do. Conversations feel less tense, more honest. I’m not guessing. I’m not walking on eggshells. I’m just showing up, hopefully in a way that works for both of us.

Look, I’m far from perfect at this. Sometimes I still jump in too fast or offer an opinion before it’s wanted. But I’m learning. And every time I remember to ask, “Feel it or fix it?” I see a little more trust build between us.

If you’re a parent, maybe give it a shot. Let me know what works. Or what absolutely falls flat. There’s no one way to get it right. Sometimes, just asking the question is the best conversation you’ll have all week. And sometimes that feels like a win.

Sometimes, even with the best intentions, you hit a wall. The words just won’t come, or the conflict is too heavy to work through on your own. That’s where mentorship can quietly help.

A good mentor isn’t there to fix your teen or give you a script to follow. They’re someone outside the family, someone who’ll listen without judgement and offer a safe place to talk when home feels too close for comfort. Sometimes, just knowing there’s another adult in their corner makes all the difference. It takes the pressure off you as a parent, too. You don’t have to have every answer. You just need to show up, care, and be willing to let others step in when you’ve hit your limit.

In my experience, having a mentor in the mix can help break through the silence. It can make the hard stuff feel a bit more manageable. And honestly, sometimes that’s enough to keep things moving forward, even when it all feels stuck.