What to Say When Your Teen Opens Up, And What Never to Say
The Difference Between Advice and Listening: What Teens Really Need
Parents want the best for their kids. We want them safe, happy, and successful. So when our teen shares something, our instinct is to give advice.
The problem is, advice too soon can close the door instead of opening it.
Let’s not be mistaken. This is hard. It means relearning something we’ve likely done for decades. There is something about the dynamic of resisting the timeless urge of parenthood.
But they have to listen to me, right? I’m their father.
Not so quickly. That right needs to be earned all over again, when they hit those influential years. And if you’re not there yet, it’s devastating when you were the centre of their universe for years, and now the game has changed. And you’re no longer in the game.
Here’s the good news, being an excellent listener is a foundational element of emotional intelligence, one of the core focuses of The MentorWell. So if you suddenly feel like persona non grata, good news there’s still time to get ahead of this.
The Advice Monster
Last month, I spoke with Michael Bungay Stanier, bestselling author of The Coaching Habit. He calls this urge to fix things the “Advice Monster.”
Most of us fall into it. We rush to solve instead of sitting in curiosity. We try to fix before we even understand.
In The Coaching Habit, Michael offers seven questions to slow us down and lean into curiosity:
What’s on your mind?
And what else?
What’s the real challenge here for you?
What do you want?
How can I help?
If you’re saying yes to this, what are you saying no to?
What was most useful to you? **
Simple questions. Powerful because they keep the focus on the other person.
Bestselling author of “The Coaching Habit”, Michael Bungay Stanier and The MentorWell CEO, Chris Coulter
Why Advice Isn’t Always the Answer
Ask yourself this. Do you like unsolicited advice? Do you like being micromanaged? Do you like being told what to do? Teens feel the same.
Often, they don’t want an opinion. They want to be heard. They want space to process. They want validation, not a lecture.
The Trust Bank Account
I like to think of trust as an emotional bank account, that was coined by Stephen Covey.
Listening without judgment makes a deposit.
Dismissing, minimizing, or lecturing makes a withdrawal.
If the account is full, your teen knows they can come to you. If it’s empty, they’ll go quiet. Silence rarely means they don’t care. It usually means they don’t feel safe.
Why Listening Matters More Than Ever
Today’s teens face pressures we didn’t:
Academic overload
Online drama that never ends
Constant comparison on social media
Anxiety, depression, and isolation
Advice that comes too fast feels like judgment. Listening creates safety. Safety builds trust. Trust keeps the door open.
Where Mentorship Fits In
Even the best parents can’t always be the listener their teen needs.
That’s where mentorship comes in. A mentor isn’t a parent, teacher, or therapist. They’re someone in your teen’s corner. Someone who listens first, asks questions second, and only gives advice if it’s wanted.
That’s why we built The MentorWell. It’s a safe, judgment-free space for teens and young adults. A bridge between parenting and therapy. For many kids, it’s what unlocks trust and confidence.
The Shift Parents Can Make
Here’s the shift:
Ask your teen if they want advice before you give it.
Practise listening more than talking.
Validate before you fix.
It’s a simple concept, but anything but easy. It builds trust. It keeps conversations alive.
And if you want your teen to have extra support, that’s what The MentorWell is here for. Every teen deserves someone who truly listens.
If you haven’t read Michael’s book, pick up a copy. Listening doesn’t only work with your teen, it is a habit that will help you flourish throughout life.
