Letting Go Without Falling Apart: The Parent Survivor’s Guide to Kids Away at School

There’s a nervousness every parent feels when their kids head off to university. You want them to succeed, but you also want them safe, healthy, and connected.

My youngest son, Sawyer, is in his third year in Halifax. That’s a two-hour flight or an eighteen-hour drive from home. After losing my daughter Maddie to suicide at fourteen, I’ll admit I’m overprotective with both my boys, but especially with Sawyer. When I don’t hear from him for a couple of days, the worry creeps in.

Zac was only an hour away when he was at school. Worse case scenario, I could always jump in the car and go see him. And that’s what I did, but I don’t have the same luxury with Sawyer.

We talk or FaceTime almost every day. He shares how classes are going, what he’s eating, how much he’s exercising, and what’s happening with his fantasy football pools. It gives me peace of mind, and it gives him space to talk.

It wasn’t like this when I left home for university more than forty years ago. Weeks could pass without me speaking to my parents. Whether they worried or not, they never let on. Back then, mental health wasn’t openly discussed. Suicide was rarely mentioned. If someone was struggling, we chalked it up to exam stress, girlfriend issues or a hangover.

We know better today. And as parents, we can do better. Here’s a checklist to help you and your child handle the ups and downs of kids living away from home for school.

1. Build an Emergency Plan Together

• Share campus counselling services, local crisis numbers, and peer support options.

• Make sure they know who to call if they feel overwhelmed.

• Have the conversation before a crisis, not in the middle of one.

2. Keep Communication Open

• Check in regularly, even with a quick text.

• Video chats can show you things a text won’t.

• Remember: silence is not safety. If you haven’t heard from them, reach out.

3. Manage Expectations Around School

• Encourage them to do their best, but remind them their worth isn’t tied to grades.

• Don’t add pressure from home. They already feel it at school.

• Celebrate effort, progress, and balance; not just results.

4. Know the Stress Points

• Ask for their exam schedule and check in more often around those times.

• Be aware of midterms, big projects, and deadlines that pile up.

• Girls tend to call home more than boys. Don’t assume silence means everything is fine.

5. Encourage Healthy Routines

• Ask simple questions: Are you eating well? Sleeping enough? Exercising?

• Remind them sleep, meals, and movement are survival tools, not luxuries.

• Share what works for you. Small, practical advice often sticks.

6. Make Talking Normal

• Let them know it’s okay to feel stressed or struggle.

• Listen more than you talk.

• Keep conversations free of judgment so they feel safe opening up.

7. The Buddy Rule

• Remind them not to go out alone at night.

• Encourage them to look out for each other, especially around alcohol or parties.

• Be realistic: kids will test limits. The goal is to keep them safe when they do.

8. Financial Stress

• Parental funding lowers financial stress, while first-generation students without this support report higher anxiety.

• Living at home with parents provides protection against financial strain.

• Full parental funding can create academic pressure tied to expectations.

• Self-funded students gain independence but face greater stress from debt and work.

Being away at school is a big adjustment for kids and for parents. What they need most is to know you’re there. Not with pressure. Not with conditions. Just there.

Where The MentorWell Can Help?

But sometimes, support from outside the family makes a huge difference. That’s where The MentorWell can be a lifeline. University and college students can benefit as both mentors and mentees. My son Zac volunteers as a facilitator with a not-for-profit that supports elementary and middle school kids who’ve lost a sibling or parent. He tells me he gains as much as he gives. The act of mentoring strengthens him.

Both Zac and Sawyer will always grieve the loss of their sister, Maddie. But talking with other kids who are also navigating grief has helped them on their journey. That’s the power of mentorship. It creates connection, understanding, and a safe place to share.

When school, stress, and life pile up, that reassurance, whether it comes from a parent or a mentor, can make a huge difference.