Do Teens Need to Talk About Divorce?

I have never felt the need to speak about my parent’s divorce. It is just a fact. A part of life. I have no compulsion to tell any story and prefer to just get on with things.

Some people wonder: is this healthy?

When a teenager goes quiet in the wake of their parents’ divorce, it can be unsettling. Well-meaning adults often assume that talking is the key to healing, and that silence signals distress, avoidance, or emotional suppression.

But a teen’s reluctance to speak isn't always a sign of dysfunction. Sometimes, it's a deeply adaptive, even protective, response. In fact, whether teens need to talk about divorce depends less on a universal rule and more on the emotional context behind their silence or expression.

Both my direct experience and the research demonstrate that healing doesn’t always need words. It needs safety, trust, and agency.

Talking Requires Safety and Trust

Teenagers are navigating a developmental phase marked by a strong desire for autonomy, privacy, and control over their emotional world. As psychologist Dr. Lisa Damour notes, adolescence is a time when young people are carefully deciding where and with whom it's safe to be vulnerabl1. Talking about the deeply personal impact of a divorce requires trust, and for many teens, that trust is earned slowly, if at all.

But even when that trust exists, it doesn't necessarily need to be used for verbal processing. For some teens, simply knowing they could talk, if and when they wanted to, is more healing than actually doing so. As Dr. Dan Siegel and other relational neurobiologists have shown, the calming presence of an attuned adult can regulate a young person's nervous system and promote emotional integration, even without the exchange of words.2 The existence of safe, respectful relational space may itself offer a form of integration and calm, even if no story is ever told out loud.

Silence as an Act of Protection

In some cases, teens choose silence not because they’re unaware of their emotions, but because they’re acutely aware of the emotional toll the divorce is taking on their parents. Judith Wallerstein’s longitudinal research reveals how children, especially teens, often assume a caretaking role, shielding their parents by minimizing or concealing their own feelings ³. This parentification can prevent them from accessing the space they need to process their own experiences.

What helps isn’t urging the teen to talk, it’s giving them permission to stop carrying so much. Restoring their right to be young, supported, and not in charge is key. And sometimes, the most healing thing is play: lightness, humour, and movement that remind them they’re still allowed joy.

The Brain Isn’t Always Ready to Talk

At the neurological level, teens may also struggle to articulate what they feel. Dr. Daniel Siegel explains that the adolescent brain is highly sensitive to emotional stimuli, while the areas responsible for regulation and reflection are still under construction. In periods of high stress, such as during a parental separation, teens may become overwhelmed, unable to access the words needed to express themselves. 2

They also may not want to speak about the divorce directly, or find doing so helpful. Looking back, I was comfortable engaging in intellectual debates, like “what are a child’s obligations to an absent parent?” But that kind of discussion lived in my head. What I actually needed was less talking about the divorce, and more connection to the parts of myself that didn’t have words: the non-cerebral, emotional, intuitive places where the real impact lived.

Silence as a Signal of Insecurity

For some, silence is a shield. As attachment specialist Dr. Gordon Neufeld emphasizes, emotional expression is contingent on a sense of safety in relationships. If conflict or instability has eroded that safety, a teen may choose self-protection over disclosure ⁴. In such cases, silence isn't resistance, it’s survival.

What helps in these moments isn’t coaxing speech, but patiently rebuilding the teen’s felt sense of safety. Attuned, non-intrusive presence from an adult can calm the nervous system and gradually invite trust. 2 Teens need adults who are emotionally available, predictable, and non-judgmental. Over time, those conditions can soften the shield, not because they are asked to talk, but because it starts to feel safe enough to feel. 2

Make Expression Optional Not Obligatory

So, do teens need to talk about divorce to heal? The answer, in short, is that it depends. Some teens find meaning and resolution in expressing their story, while others move forward without ever putting words to it. What matters more than talking is freedom: the freedom to speak, or not to, without pressure or judgment.

Silence can be entirely healthy when it comes from a place of internal clarity and agency. It’s only when silence stems from fear, shame, or disconnection that it may indicate a need for support. In those cases, forcing a conversation rarely works. What’s more effective is creating the conditions under which talking feels safe.

Connection Matters More Than Conversation

The Search Institute’s research into developmental relationships reinforces this point. Teens don’t need constant dialogue; they need consistent connection. Presence, care, and emotional availability from adults are what enable teens to open up in the ways they need (not what we think they need) when they’re ready.⁵

Conclusion: Healing on Their Terms

Ultimately, the question isn’t whether teens should talk about divorce, it’s whether they feel they could if needed and wanted. And that ability arises not from urgency or pressure, but from trust. Our job is not to extract their stories but to become the kind of steady, attuned presence that makes sharing possible, on their terms, in their time.

References

1 Damour, L. (2023). The Emotional Lives of Teenagers. Ballantine Books.

2 Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Whole-Brain Child. Bantam.

3 Wallerstein, J. S., Lewis, J. M., & Blakeslee, S. (2000). The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study. Hyperion.

4 Neufeld, G., & Mate, G. (2005). Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers. Ballantine Books.

5 Search Institute. (2019). The Developmental Relationships Framework. Retrieved from https://www.search-institute.org