More than a decade of carrying sadness I didn't think a person could hold. Of replaying moments I'd give anything to have back. Of questioning choices I made as her father, and slowly finding something to do with all of it.
This is the moment my life split into a before and an after. I saw 22 missed calls. Then words no parent is ready to read. Maddie was missing.
I would give anything to go back and ask one more question. I can't.
What I can do is take what the last eleven years have shown me and put it somewhere useful. Here are five things that stayed with me.
1. "I'm tired" is a full sentence to a teenager and half a sentence to a parent
Maddie told me she was tired. I heard a fourteen-year-old who stayed up too late. I've since learned how much room sits between those two things.
I'm not telling you there was a list of signs and I failed to read it. That isn't how this works, and any parent who tells you otherwise is selling something. What I am telling you is that a short answer is often the whole message, and the only way to find out is to ask a second question.
Most teens don't announce what they're carrying. They leave a small opening and wait to see whether anyone walks through it. The opening usually looks like nothing.
2. They don't need you to get it right
Parents carry enormous pressure to say the correct thing. I carried it. I've watched hundreds of parents carry it since.
Your kid isn't waiting for the correct thing. They're waiting to see whether you're actually there. A conversation in the car with the radio down. A check-in at the bedroom door before bed. A hug when they've made it clear they don't want one.
None of those require the right words. They require you to be in the room.
3. I avoided conversations because I was afraid of saying the wrong thing
This is the one I'd most like back.
I stayed away from some subjects with Maddie because I worried that raising them would plant something. That's a common fear and it's backwards. Asking a young person directly whether they're okay, or whether they've had thoughts of hurting themselves, does not put the idea in their head. It tells them they're allowed to answer.
Mental health should be as ordinary a topic at your dinner table as school or hockey. Ordinary is the whole point. A subject that only comes up in a crisis is a subject your kid learns to avoid.
4. I told her who she could be. I should have told her who she was
Maddie had an audacious sense of humour and more compassion than most adults I know. She also doubted herself more than anyone around her understood.
Parents spend a lot of energy on who their kid might become. Grades, teams, applications, the next thing. Teenagers are already busy deciding whether they're worth anything as they are. They need somebody to answer that question out loud, and specifically. It’s not "we're proud of you." Something they can't argue with, about who they already are.
5. I hope she knew. I wish I'd said it more often
I believe Maddie knew she was loved. I still wish I'd said the words more than I did.
Teenagers need to hear it plainly, and they need it to match what they see. Time. Patience. Showing up again after a bad week. The saying and the showing have to agree, or they'll believe the one they can see.
Where this leaves us
Losing Maddie changed how I parent, how I work, and what I do with my days. It's also why The MentorWell exists. Parents do their best, and most teenagers still need more than one caring adult in their corner. Someone steady. Someone who isn't their parent. Someone who notices.
If there's one thing I'd want you to take from this, it's this: don't wait for a crisis to have the conversation.
Check in tonight. Ask the uncomfortable question. Sit with them when it gets heavy, and stay past the point where it's comfortable for you.
Give them one more chance to tell you what they're carrying. That chance is the whole thing.
If you or your teen are struggling, you can call or text 9-8-8 any time, in Canada or the US. If you think your teen needs another trusted adult in their corner, that's what we do at The MentorWell.
FAQ
Does asking my teenager about suicide put the idea in their head?
No. This has been studied for years and the finding holds: asking directly does not raise the risk. For a lot of teens it's a relief. It tells them the subject is allowed.
How do I know if "I'm tired" means something more?
You usually can't tell from one answer. Ask a second question. "Tired how?" or "Tired like you need sleep, or tired of something?" Then watch for a pattern over a couple of weeks, especially changes in sleep, friends, or things they used to care about.
What should I do if my teen tells me they've thought about hurting themselves?
Stay as calm as you can. Thank them for telling you. Ask whether they're safe right now. Then get help the same day: call or text 9-8-8, call your family doctor, or go to the nearest emergency department if they're in immediate danger. You don't have to carry this alone, and you shouldn't try.
What if my teenager won't talk to me at all?
That's common, and it doesn't mean you've failed. Keep offering low-pressure time together, like a drive or a late snack. Let another trusted adult in too: a coach, an aunt, a mentor. Sometimes the first honest conversation happens with someone who isn't a parent.
We've never talked about mental health at home. Is it too late to start?
No. Start small and keep it ordinary. Mention something you're finding hard this week. Ask how their friends are doing. You want it to come up on normal days, so it's easier to raise on a hard one.
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