What It Feels Like to Be a Teen During a Divorce

Divorce doesn’t just split a household, it can split a world in two for the children involved. And for teenagers, already walking the line between childhood and adulthood, the ground can feel especially unsteady. This isn’t just about moving homes or shuffling schedules, it’s a rupture in safety, identity, and belonging.

But unlike younger children, teens don’t always cry or cling. Instead, they often go quiet. Or numb. Or fierce.

This is what might be happening underneath.

A World Turned Upside Down

Many teens feel like the bottom of their world has dropped out. Everything that once offered stability (shared dinners, inside jokes, familiar routines) can vanish almost overnight. For me it felt like standing on emotional quicksand, unsure what’s solid anymore.

Dr. Lisa Damour, author of The Emotional Lives of Teenagers, explains: “Teenagers may not have the words for what they feel, but they feel deeply. Disruptions at home don’t bypass them—they hit hard, even if they pretend otherwise.”[1]

What adults might interpret as withdrawal or moodiness is often a freeze response, a natural reaction to emotional overwhelm. Teens may silence their feelings to avoid rocking the boat further.

The Pressure to Pick Sides (Even When No One Asks You To)

One of the most painful dynamics for teens during a divorce is the subtle or overt pressure to pick sides. Even when parents work hard to avoid putting their kids in the middle, the emotional undercurrent often does it for them. Teens can end up navigating invisible fault lines, trying to manage the emotional safety of everyone else while losing their own footing.

My parents never openly asked me to choose. But I was still being asked, quietly, to compartmentalize my life. To keep secrets. To decide which version of reality to believe. To protect the adults around me from each other.

“Don’t tell your father about the new home computer or he might stop the child support payments.”

“Don’t tell your mother about the three beers at dinner, she might use it in court.”

These weren’t acts of cruelty. They were acts of fear. But to me, it was deeply unsettling. It felt like there was only one person there to take care of me: me. I had no one else to turn to. So, I began splitting myself, because I didn’t know how to be whole in a world with multiple truths, where reality was a decision.

Dr. Judith Wallerstein’s research confirms how common this is. In her 25-year study on children of divorce, she found that many teens feel forced into adult roles, not by explicit expectation, but by emotional necessity. This is known as parentification, and it often includes carrying the emotional burdens of parents who are struggling themselves.[2]

As Dr. Gordon Neufeld would say, when teens no longer feel safe to be fully themselves with either parent, they will adapt. They’ll become hyper-responsible. Hyper-private. Or hyper-attuned to the moods of others. All coping strategies rooted in preserving attachment in the face of emotional fragmentation.[3]

The Silent Grief

Teenagers often receive less empathy during divorce than younger children. Adults may assume they're “old enough to understand” or that they’re “resilient.” But understanding does not erase grief—and resilience isn’t the absence of pain.

Dr. Dan Siegel, psychiatrist and author of The Whole-Brain Child, notes: “When the emotional brain is overloaded, logic goes offline. What looks like defiance may actually be a cry for connection.” [4]

Grief in teens may not look like tears. It often shows up in:

• Risk-taking

• Anger or sarcasm

• Withdrawal or apathy

• Striving for control through perfectionism

They’re grieving more than a divorce. They’re grieving a life they thought they knew, a sense of understanding how things worked.  And if a parent becomes emotionally absent or inconsistent, the teen doesn’t just grieve the person, they grieve the loss of guidance, safety, and belonging.

The Role of Connection

The deepest need in any young person is not autonomy, but connection. Teens may act aloof or self-contained, but it’s an emotional defence, not their true state.

Divorce disrupts connection. When both parents are emotionally preoccupied or unavailable, teens may feel emotionally unanchored. Without that secure attachment base, they often:

• Compartmentalize emotions

• Become fiercely independent

• Or turn to peers for unsafe attachment substitutes

A Lifeline: The Power of a Neutral, Trusted Adult

This is where other caring adults—mentors, teachers, coaches, neighbours, relatives—can quietly become lifelines.

These figures offer something profound:

•  Emotional safety without divided loyalty

• A place to land that isn’t fractured by conflict

• An adult who sees them, without needing them to perform or pick sides

The Search Institute[5] reports that teens with even one non-parental adult who shows care and consistency are significantly more likely to:

• Maintain better mental health

• Stay engaged in school

• Navigate family disruptions with greater resilience

Gordon Neufeld describes such figures as “attachment bridges”: supportive adults who help teens stay connected to their own development when their primary relationships are destabilized. What a teen needs most is not to be fixed or told what to feel, but to feel held emotionally, relationally. A mentor can do this simply by being a calm, trustworthy presence.

This isn’t about replacing a parent. It’s about widening the circle of safety for a teen learning to breathe again in the rubble of something once whole.

If You’re a Parent or Trusted Adult…

Your role is not to make everything better, but to be emotionally reliable.

Offer consistency. Routines, check-ins, small rituals. They matter more than you think.

Validate feelings. Even when they're angry, numb, or silent.

Don’t use children or teens as a sounding board. Their nervous system can’t hold your pain.

Let them be kids. Even if they act grown, they’re not done needing care.

Final Thought

Looking back now, I realize I didn’t need anyone to fix what I was going through. I needed someone to say: “I see how hard this is, and you don’t have to carry it alone.”

Divorce changes everything, but it doesn’t have to destroy everything.

When teens feel seen, supported, and safe to feel all their feelings, even the hard ones, they can come through not just surviving, but growing.

They don’t need perfect parents. They need connection.

They don’t need fixing. They need places to land.

Citations:

[1] Damour, Lisa. The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents. Ballantine Books, 2023, page 12.

[2] Wallerstein, Judith S., and Sandra Blakeslee. The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25-Year Landmark Study. Hyperion, 2000.

[3] Neufeld, Gordon, and Gabor Maté. Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers. Ballantine Books, 2013 (Revised Edition).

[4] Siegel, Daniel J., and Tina Payne Bryson. The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind. Bantam Books, 2011, page 20.

[5] Scales, Peter C., and Eugene C. Roehlkepartain. Relationships First: Creating Connections That Help Young People Thrive. Search Institute, 2016.